Ten standard replies from IT support one never wants to hear from one's doctor

Have you ever had the unnerving experience of having a technical issue with a device or app you paid for, and instead of solving it, the IT support technician wets their empathy on you and provides detailed information about why the issue did occur if it is not your own fault in the first place? If you haven't, consider yourself lucky. But for those who can imagine it, here are ten standard IT responses that would make for the worst possible bedside manner. Buckle up because things are about to get hilariously uncomfortable.

1. "Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We apologise for the inconvenience and are here to help resolve this issue as quickly as possible."

Because nothing says "I care about your well-being" like a boilerplate apology. Who needs reassurance when you can have generic corporate empathy?

1. "We apologise for the trouble you're experiencing. Could you please provide more details about the issue? That will help us diagnose and fix the problem efficiently."

"Sure, Doc, let me just articulate the nuances of this searing chest pain while I try not to pass out. Do you need my insurance number again?"

1. "We understand your frustration and are committed to resolving this. Our team is already working on it, and we will keep you updated on the progress."

Great, so while my heart is staging a rebellion, I can rest easy knowing a team of experts is 'on it'. How reassuring.

1. "We are sorry for the inconvenience caused. Please allow us some time to look into this matter, and we will get back to you with a solution shortly."

Because 'shortly' is the timeframe you want when dealing with a potential medical emergency. "No rush, Doc, I'll just be here not breathing."

1. "Thank you for your patience. Our technical team is currently investigating the issue and will provide an update as soon as possible."

Good to know the 'technical team' is on it. Maybe they can reboot my heart or run a diagnostic on my liver while they're at it.

1. "We apologise for the disruption you've experienced. As a token of our apology, we would like to offer you a discount on your next surgery with us."

"Sorry for the heart attack. Here's a coupon for 10% off your next one! Use code: NEARMISS."

1. "We have addressed the issue you reported. Could you please confirm if everything is working correctly on your end now?"

"Let me just hop off this hospital bed and give myself a thorough check. Yep, seems like the blood is flowing, and the lungs are inflating. All good here!"

1. "We regret any inconvenience caused. Our team will follow up with you by [specific date/time] to ensure the issue has been fully resolved."

"Don't worry about this appendectomy. We'll give you a call next Tuesday to make sure you're not still in excruciating pain."

1. "We apologise for the inconvenience. A technical issue caused the issue. We have taken the necessary steps to prevent this from happening again."

"Oh, the surgery mix-up was due to a 'coding error'? Fantastic. Glad to hear you've put a Post-it on the computer to prevent future mishaps."

1. "We are pleased to inform you that the issue has been resolved. Please let us know if there is anything else we can assist you with."

"Yes, actually. Could you assist me in finding a new doctor who doesn't speak in FAQs?"

So, there you have it. Stay healthy, and may your doctors always speak the language of medicine, not that of complaint management, to stabilise endangered customer relationships and quality management!