When parents psychologically determine their relationship with their child, co-dependency can develop. What's behind it - and how support can succeed. What to do when the parent-child relationship becomes a burden? Insight into co-dependency, parental roles and social factors - with concrete support.

Parent-child relationships in a social context: how parents' perceptions and their co-operation shape the developmental conditions for the emergence of codependency in relationships with children

When love becomes a burden: What lies behind co-dependent parent-child relationships

"I'm worried - isn't that quite normal?" Many parents experience intense responsibility towards their adult children as an expression of care. But when the parental role becomes the sole source of identity and self-worth, there is a risk of emotional overcommitment - with consequences for both sides.

Particularly in transitional phases such as when the children move out, when they retire or after personal loss, parents easily find themselves in a new role for which there are neither role models nor clear orientation. Those who define themselves by being parents often find it difficult to recognise their own needs or set boundaries - especially if the child continues to seek contact, support or emotional reassurance.

In this article, we shed light on how co-dependent relationship patterns manifest themselves in adulthood, why they develop - and how they can be changed. At the same time, we broaden our perspective: We ask how the social context, institutional conditions and family role distributions help to shape the relationship between parents and children.

What it's all about

• What exactly is meant by co-dependency in parent-child relationships

• Which behaviours indicate an unbalanced relationship between closeness and distance

• How to develop emotional independence without losing closeness or contact

• Why mother and father play different roles in shaping attachment

• And which structural, social and therapeutic factors support parents in their relationship skills.

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Parents, relationships and addiction: The dynamics of co-dependent parent-child relationships in adulthood

This article deals with an often misunderstood, psychologically deep-rooted problem in the modern parent-child relationship: the co-dependent behaviour of parents towards their adult children. This is not about parental care in the classic sense - but about the structural inability to detach emotionally, to allow autonomy and to live one's own identity independently of the child.

This form of relationship does not develop suddenly, but is the result of inner-psychological patterns that have developed over years, unresolved conflicts, repressed losses and ambivalent loyalties. The article analyses these patterns psychodynamically and traces how mother, father and their child become entangled in a mutual web of guilt, neediness, defence and interaction - often with serious consequences for both sides.

Unlike traditional guidebooks, this article avoids appealing rhetoric or institutional support scenarios. Instead, it reveals how attachment disorders anchored in the past, internalised conflicts and the psychologically effective re-enactment of family roles determine the relationship between parents and children, even in adulthood.

What is co-dependent behaviour in parents?

Co-dependent behaviour in parents refers to a structural pattern in which the emotional balance of the mother or father depends on how available, loyal or needy the adult child is. In contrast to children, who are objectively dependent on parental regulation, there is no longer any pedagogical or developmental reason for caring behaviour in adults. Nevertheless, many parents continue to do so - not out of duty, but out of inner necessity.

This dynamic feigns closeness where in reality there is an unreflected desire for control, meaning or emotional reassurance. The relationship is therefore not a dialogue, but regressive - it serves the parent, not the child's development.

What psychodynamic conflicts underlie co-dependent parental relationships?

The psychological mechanisms that lead to co-dependent behaviour are often rooted in the parents' own unresolved past relationship experiences. Many people report that their parents were emotionally unavailable, acted abusively or functionalised their own children. In such cases, their own child becomes an unconscious projection screen for wishes that were originally directed at their own inner child.

This so-called intergenerational re-enactment psychologically prevents the necessary separation and creates a constant alternation of closeness, guilt, power and withdrawal. The child is not experienced as an autonomous person, but as a psychological repair service for one's own history. This creates a relationship that appears harmonious but is emotionally dysfunctional.

How does mother and father bonding differ in co-dependency?

Although both mothers and fathers can develop co-dependent dynamics, their psychological constellations differ. For mothers, the loss of meaning is often at the forefront. After decades of family roles, the basis on which a new self-image could develop is missing. The child then becomes the last remaining source of value, closeness and orientation.

With fathers, co-dependency often manifests itself in the form of hidden resentment, exaggerated criticism or controlling behaviour. There is less emotional availability, the problem is rationalised or repressed. But here too, the behaviour ultimately serves to ward off an unconscious feeling of interchangeability or inner emptiness.

In both cases, the relationship is not understood as a present relationship, but as a stage for unresolved conflicts from one's own biography.

To what extent do adult children also contribute to the relationship disorder?

The relationship is never one-sided. Adult children also play their part in co-dependency. Many children and their parents develop a silent agreement: You need me - I stay. You suffer - I provide. This psychological complicity serves to protect each other from emotional emptiness, but also to avoid change.

There is often a lack of inner permission to set boundaries. Feelings of guilt, fear of deprivation of love or an internalised image of "good children" lead to dependency being interpreted as love. The child then acts loyally, but not freely. It does not differentiate between parental need and genuine contact.

Why is emotional autonomy so rarely achieved in parent-child relationships?

The development of emotional autonomy is theoretically regarded as the central goal of individuation - in practice, however, it often remains incomplete. Many parents experience the detachment of the child not as progress, but as a narcissistic offence. The feeling of being replaced or no longer being needed activates deep fears of loss.

At the same time, many children feel morally obliged to share responsibility for their parents' mental balance. This double bind - autonomy or guilt - leads to a persistent ambivalence that makes emotional separation impossible.

The context of this dynamic is rarely conscious. Neither parents nor children openly formulate what is happening here. Closeness then serves to avoid self-development - not attachment.

What role do early childhood developmental conditions play in the development?

The way in which a child experiences attachment, regulation and mirroring at an early age has a lasting effect on their ability to relate. If parents have not experienced secure attachment themselves, they often lack a model for healthy relationships. What remains are pedagogically or morally charged images of "proper parenting" that have little to do with emotional reality.

A lack of validated feelings, ambivalence in early interactions or parentifying role allocations lead to a structure in which closeness is confused with responsibility. As a result, adults are later unable to distinguish between contact and function.

How do psychological defence mechanisms influence parental interaction?

In co-dependent relationships, defence mechanisms such as projection, denial and idealisation are particularly pronounced. The parents idealise the relationship with the child so that they do not have to feel their own neediness. At the same time, the child is devalued as soon as it withdraws - a sign that psychological regulation is not derived from the self, but from the relationship.

The child itself also resorts to defence - e.g. through functionality, over-adaptation or counter-attack. As a result, the relationship remains stable, but inwardly empty. The interaction seems familiar, but is characterised by fear and guilt.

What happens when adult children withdraw?

Co-dependent parents rarely interpret the child's withdrawal as a natural developmental step, but rather as a rejection. What often follows is an escalation of the attachment behaviour: emotional appeals, staging of illness, accusations of guilt or financial offers. The relationship becomes a burden.

The child often experiences this pressure as an assault. It withdraws further, whereupon the parents go into the next round of re-enactment. In this way, even in outwardly harmonious families, profound alienation arises - not because of conflict, but because of unresolved separation.

How can psychological and social motives be differentiated in context?

Although social factors such as housing situation, financial situation or institutional framework conditions influence the relationship, their explanatory value is not sufficient. The decisive factor is the psychological motives that take effect within the family - even if they cannot be articulated verbally.

Here it is important to distinguish between structural stress and intrapsychic dynamics. Not every close relationship is co-dependent - and not every distance is a sign of neglect. The question is whether closeness is freely chosen or unconsciously demanded.

How can you recognise when closeness is no longer a relationship, but avoidance?

If conversations no longer have any depth, if help is given reflexively, if feelings of guilt are the means of bonding - then it is not a lived relationship, but an interaction that only simulates closeness.

In such cases, closeness does not serve the purpose of contact, but rather protection from loneliness, psychological pain or loss of self. It is not an expression of love, but a sign that autonomy is not permitted.

The tragedy of such relationships lies in the fact that they are sincerely meant - and yet they separate rather than connect.

What remains: A psychodynamic sketch of the parent-child entanglement

Co-dependent parent-child relationships are not exceptions, but frequent re-enactments of biographical unresolved issues. Their basis is not a conscious decision, but psychological necessity.

They arise from the tension between longing for attachment and loss of autonomy - from the desire to remain significant without recognising that real closeness only comes from letting go.

Neither mother nor father are "guilty" in this - they act within the framework of their possibilities, their inner model of relationship and their biographical experiences. Nor is the adult child merely an object - it acts with, out of love, fear or loyalty.

Only the conscious confrontation with these inner movements makes it possible to free the parent-child relationship - from function, guilt and duty - towards a genuine, living relationship between two adult people.

So what does co-dependency mean in relation to adult children?

Co-dependency describes a relationship pattern in which one's own well-being depends heavily on the behaviour, decisions or life situation of another person. In parent-child relationships, this often manifests itself in parents deriving their purpose in life exclusively from caring for the (now adult) child.

Typical signs are excessive control, constant interference, self-sacrifice and the feeling of losing importance without the parental role. Emotional dependency is often mistaken for love - but in the long term it hinders both sides in their development.

In systemic family therapy, this is referred to as "blurring of boundaries" (enmeshment). Parents and children are so emotionally intertwined that independent paths in life hardly seem possible.

Yet it is precisely this autonomy that is crucial for healthy, sustainable relationships in adulthood. Below we show the ten most common behaviours that indicate co-dependency - and what you can do about it.

1. your self-worth depends on your child's life

Do you first introduce yourself as "mum to Anna" or "dad to Lukas"? Does your mood fluctuate with your child's professional success or love life? Then your identity could be too closely linked to your child's life.

The problem with this is that if your life only revolves around your child, other areas of your life take a back seat - friendships, hobbies or relationships lose importance.

Recognising yourself as an independent personality again is not a loss, but a gain - for both sides.

2. you feel restless when your child doesn't contact you

Do you write several messages a day, call several times or feel restless when you don't hear back? Then the need for contact may have turned into control.

Such behaviour often arises from fear - fear of being forgotten or becoming meaningless. But adult children need space. And parents need to trust that closeness will continue to exist even without constant availability.

Silence must not be synonymous with rejection.

3. you say "yes" even though you mean "no"

You agree even though you feel overwhelmed. You take on tasks even though you actually need peace and quiet. Many parents want to avoid conflict - but constant availability damages the relationship in the long run.

Setting boundaries is not a withdrawal of love. It is an act of self-respect - and a model of mutual respect.

4. you try to solve all your child's problems

You step in as soon as difficulties arise. You give unsolicited advice, research solutions or intervene in private matters.

Even if it is well-intentioned: if you are constantly rescuing, you are depriving the other person of the chance to find their own solutions. Independence comes from personal experience - including mistakes.

Parental support should accompany, not direct.

5. you permanently put your own needs on the back burner

Your social life suffers. Your partnership takes a back seat. Your health takes a back seat. When the child's life takes centre stage, there is often little left for your own well-being.

This self-sacrifice is gruelling in the long run - and it sends the wrong message: that your own well-being matters less.

In fact, the opposite is true: only those who take good care of themselves can be there for others in a sustainable way.

6 You help - but with growing resentment

You take on tasks, give money or invest time - but inwardly you feel exploited. You may express your dissatisfaction in a passive-aggressive way or with ironic comments.

This pattern is typical of co-dependency: outward helpfulness with inner resistance. The result? The relationship suffers without clarity emerging.

Respectful behaviour starts with being honest with yourself.

7. you confuse help with incapacitation

You provide financial support, take on organisation, remind them of appointments - even if your child has long been able to take on responsibility themselves.

In the short term, this ensures calm. In the long term, it prevents development. If you don't let go, you hold on to both.

The aim is to guide - not direct. Autonomy arises where responsibility is allowed.

8. you use feelings of guilt to create closeness

They say things like "After all I've done for you..." or "I'm always alone anyway". These statements may be sincere - but they have a manipulative effect.

When closeness is created through guilt, it loses its voluntary nature. And that is precisely what undermines trust.

Affection does not need a guilty conscience - it needs mutual appreciation.

9. you interfere in relationships or decisions without being asked

You judge your child's partner. You make suggestions about their job, home or circle of friends - even without being asked.

What is well-intentioned is often perceived as overstepping boundaries. The impression is created: "You don't trust me with anything."

Real closeness is created where autonomy is respected. Rather ask: "Would you like to hear my opinion?"

10. you find it difficult to accept when your child lives differently to you

Your child chooses a different path in life - perhaps without a family, with little security, with unusual goals. And you experience this as a devaluation of your own values.

But different decisions are not automatically wrong decisions. They reflect a different personality, not your own failure.

Acceptance means: I love you even if you live differently than I would.

Less control - more connection

Co-dependency arises from love, fear and habit. But in the long term, it blocks what parents actually want: a sustainable, loving relationship with the adult child.

Change begins with recognition. And it is achieved through small, consistent steps. If you learn to give back responsibility, allow closeness without control and put yourself back at the centre of your life - then your relationship will become clearer, more honest and more lively.

Because you don't have to choose between closeness and autonomy. You can live both - with trust, respect and new clarity.

Parent-child relationships: How the context helps determine our relationships

Being a parent means more than just bringing up children - it means entering into a relationship. The quality of the parent-child relationship not only shapes the mental health of the child, but also the well-being of the mother and father. But how do such relationships develop and what influence does the social context have on these interactions?

What determines the quality of the parent-child relationship?

The relationship between parent and child is a dynamic, reciprocal process. It does not come about automatically at birth, but develops through constant interaction, emotional availability and mutual adaptation.

Key factors that determine the quality of this relationship are: parental sensitivity, psychological stability, secure attachment patterns and the opportunity for child autonomy. The parent-child relationship is also characterised by the parents' own previous experiences, their self-image and the social environment.

Studies from the practice of child psychology and child psychiatry show that the relationship between parents and their children has a significant influence on the child's development - both emotionally and cognitively.

How does the social context influence parental behaviour?

Parents never act in a vacuum. Social contexts, such as economic situation, housing situation, neighbourhood or institutional support, influence parental behaviour. Poverty, migration or a lack of education are considered to be factors that can be psychologically stressful and have a negative impact on parent-child relationships.

Social norms and role expectations also shape what is considered a "good mother" or "committed father" - with direct consequences for the relationship with the children. The closer the social networks and the more stable the circumstances, the greater the chance of favourable developmental conditions.

Institutional services such as daycare centres, advice centres or family centres make a decisive contribution to stabilising parents in stressful contexts and strengthening their relationship skills.

What roles do the mother and father play?

While in the past the mother was often regarded as the primary carer, more recent studies show that the father also plays a central role in the relationship with the child. Different parental approaches - caring, playful, structuring - enrich the child's development.

In particular, the father can encourage the child's exploration, while the mother often acts as an emotional reassurance. Both roles are psychologically significant and not interchangeable.

Nevertheless, many families have an unequal division of responsibilities, which can lead to tensions and unclear expectations if there is a lack of communication. A reflective, co-operative division improves cooperation and therefore also the quality of parent-child interaction.

Which developmental conditions are considered favourable?

Favourable developmental conditions are based on security, reliability and emotional availability of the parents. Children need information, structure and at the same time space for their own development. Attention, interest and age-appropriate boundaries form the basis for healthy relationships.

Interaction should be based on dialogue - the child should be heard and taken seriously. Studies show: The earlier a sensitive relationship is established, the more resilient children are to psychological stress.

In addition to the direct relationship, external factors also play a role, such as how institutionally structured the living environment is and whether parents are supported or rather overwhelmed.

How does stress affect parental relationship skills?

Persistent stress changes the attachment behaviour of parents. Under pressure, irritability, the need for control and the risk of poorly regulating one's own emotions increase. This has a direct impact on the relationship with the child.

In such phases, the risk of reacting too harshly to misbehaviour, overlooking signals or retreating increases. Emotional availability decreases - a development that can have a negative impact on the child.

Stress reduction, psycho-educational programmes and preventative parent training improve the quality of the relationship in the long term and protect against escalation.

When does a normal interaction become a problem?

Not every difficult phase means a dysfunctional relationship. The transition to a problem is reached when the balance between parental care and child autonomy is permanently disturbed - e.g. through control, emotional blackmail or a lack of empathy.

Excessive overprotection or the opposite - emotional coldness - also have a significant impact on the relationship and further development. Parents should regularly ask themselves: Is my child doing well at the moment - or does their behaviour reflect unresolved tensions in our relationship?

Professional reflection helps to collate information, recognise problems and develop new ways of acting.

What you should take away from this article

The parent-child relationship is not a fixed role, but a dynamic interplay that changes over the course of a child's life. It is not created through birth alone, but through daily interaction, emotional availability and a willingness to develop with each other. In its co-dependent form, however, this relationship loses its balance: when parents define their own identity through the life of their child, when closeness is no longer freely chosen but demanded, then the relationship loses its dialogue-based structure and becomes a one-way street of psychological neediness.

Parental behaviour never develops in isolation from the social context. Economic pressures, social role perceptions and institutional uncertainties can further destabilise an already fragile relationship. At the same time, psychodynamic perspectives show that co-dependency is not caused by external circumstances alone, but by internal conflicts, early attachment experiences and unresolved relationship patterns from one's own family of origin.

Mother and father bring different attachment behaviours, expectations and unconscious scripts into the parent-child relationship. These do not necessarily have to be equal, but their effect is reciprocal - interrelated, often unspoken, but decisive. If stress, feelings of guilt or fear of loss dominate, the balance between care and control tips. In such cases, closeness does not remain an expression of relationship, but becomes a strategy against loneliness, against the feeling of psychological insignificance or inner emptiness.

The way to a healthy relationship in adulthood is not through norms or advice, but through honest reflection. Anyone who is prepared to question their own needs, fears and expectations - as a mother, as a father, but also as an adult child - opens up the space for a relationship that is not based on function, but on reciprocity. Only when closeness is no longer a duty, but a choice, can real connection arise. And only where responsibility is no longer lived at the expense of autonomy does a new togetherness emerge - free, respectful, alive.

Questions & Answers: Psychodynamics of co-dependency in the parent-child relationship

What does a co-dependent parent-child relationship look like?

Co-dependency in the parent-child relationship does not manifest itself in open hostility, but in seemingly loving but emotionally overloaded closeness. The parents largely define themselves through their role as mother or father, maintain close contact even when this is no longer necessary or desired, and experience the child's autonomy as a loss, not as development. Closeness is thus used as a defence against powerlessness, insignificance or inner emptiness - not as a free expression of relationship. The interaction between parent and child is characterised by mutual guilt, subtle expectations and implicit loyalty contracts. What appears to be caring is often the inability to separate.

How does a disturbed mother-child bond manifest itself?

A disturbed mother-child bond often manifests itself in an unclear emotional availability of the mother. Either she is overly present - controlling, possessive or devaluing - or she withdraws emotionally and reacts with withdrawal or unpredictability. As a result, the child often develops either excessive conformity, parentification or rebellious defence. In later life, the resulting attachment patterns manifest themselves in the form of relationship anxiety, a lack of self-regulation or an exaggerated need for recognition. Particularly in co-dependent dynamics, the mother does not function as a delimitable counterpart, but as a psychological extension of her own unresolved conflicts.

Why do adult children turn away from their parents?

The withdrawal of adult children is rarely an expression of indifference, but usually the result of persistent emotional overload. If parents communicate closeness exclusively as control, expectation or neediness, the result is not a relationship at eye level, but a regressive gap. Adult children who have not been able to develop an inner psychological licence to distance themselves often experience distance as necessary in order to survive psychologically. In extreme cases, contact may be broken off completely, not because the child is "unlovable", but because the price of contact has become too high. Studies on the after-effects of parental co-dependency - for example in addiction research (see Salloch-Vogel) - show that detachment is often the only chance for emotional autonomy.

When is a relationship between parents and children critical?

A parent-child relationship becomes critical when the roles become blurred, closeness is no longer voluntary but functional and when psychological or physical violence - in direct or symbolic form - characterises the relationship. In his analyses of violence against children, Engfer says that excessive demands, isolation and unreflected role models lead to derailments that do not necessarily have to be loud or visible. This also includes subtle devaluation, emotional blackmail or chronic boundary violations. It becomes particularly critical when neither parents nor children are allowed to question the system - because guilt, fear or loyalty are paramount.

What social developments characterise the relationship between parents and children?

The social situation of families - according to Conen in his social science survey - is not only determined by external conditions such as income or educational status, but also by cultural models, demographic shifts and institutional frameworks. The decline in traditional family forms (see Schwarz/Höhn) and the simultaneous loss of importance of collective parenting structures creates a paradoxical situation: parents have more responsibility - but less guidance. The demand for holistic support for the family, as called for by Helene Bäumer as early as 1933, remains relevant. However, instead of paternalistic programmes, we need spaces for self-reflection, role clarity and relationship skills.

Glossary of psychodynamic terms

Co-dependency

A relationship pattern in which a person defines their self-esteem and psychological stability through the well-being, feedback or behaviour of another person.

Parentification

Psychodynamic term for the role reversal between parent and child, in which the child unconsciously has to regulate the emotional needs of the parent.

Blurring of boundaries (enmeshment)

A state in which there are no clear psychological or emotional boundaries between parent and child. Independence is experienced as a threat.

Defence mechanisms

Unconscious strategies of the ego to ward off inner conflicts, fears or feelings of shame. Common forms in parent-child dynamics are projection, denial and idealisation.

Loyalty conflict

An inner conflict in which the child has to decide between their psychological integrity and their attachment to their parents - without being able to consciously process this tension.