Overcoming perfectionism with self-acceptance: how to let go of inner pressure and develop composure

Perfectionism affects many people. At first glance, it appears to be a strength: those who set the highest standards for themselves show commitment, discipline and a strong will to improve, but many perfectionists find it difficult to enjoy success. Perfectionist behaviour is particularly admired in performance-oriented contexts – in studies, at work, in artistic or scientific careers. The perfectionist is seen as someone who doesn't do things by halves. But therein lies the danger: what begins as a pursuit of excellence can turn into an inner compulsion – the need to always appear perfect, never weak and never inadequate.

People who hardly allow themselves a break, who constantly doubt themselves and are worn down by the slightest deviations from their own norm of self-criticism are highly prone to burnout. Their inner critic is always active, judging, comparing, demanding. Those affected often experience themselves as functional, but internally exhausted, isolated, sometimes even empty.

What appears to be a functional, high-performing person is often, in fact, someone who is in a constant battle with themselves. The façade of control is difficult to maintain – but inside, the pressure is growing. The pursuit of the optimum becomes a trap.

Schematic therapy offers a differentiated view of these mechanisms. It understands perfectionism not only as behaviour, but also as an expression of emotionally deeply rooted schemata – that is, basic convictions about one's own self, other people and the world. These schemata often arise early, in contact with primary caregivers, and largely determine our experience unconsciously in adulthood.

From this point of view, perfectionism is not the ‘problem’ itself, but rather an attempt at coping: a way of dealing with feelings of insecurity, fear or rejection. People try to stabilise themselves, gain recognition or avoid the feeling of being weak or flawed by controlling and performing at the highest level.

But this strategy comes at a price. It ties up energy, prevents meaningful relationships, increases emotional isolation – and can cause mental and physical illness in the long run.

What this is about:

This article aims to help you see your perfectionism in a new light – not as a flaw, but as a pattern that can be understood and changed. You will learn:

• how perfectionism arises and manifests in everyday life,

• what inner convictions maintain it,

• how schema-therapeutic perspectives open up new avenues,

• and how you can take concrete steps towards more self-compassion and inner freedom.

Among other things, the book The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler, which offers many practical approaches, is the basis for this – supplemented by our experience from our practice in Berlin with people who want to free themselves from the perfectionism trap.

What does perfectionism really mean?

Perfectionism is more than just being meticulous or wanting to do things well. Many perfectionists report a feeling of deeply rooted inadequacy that is activated as soon as something is not ‘perfect’. This feeling is often associated with toxic shame: the feeling of being fundamentally wrong, flawed as a human being, insufficient or unlovable. So it is not a mere concern about bad results, but rather an existential self-doubt.

In terms of schema therapy, two dominant modes usually emerge in these moments:

• the strict or critical parent mode, which condemns, devalues and constantly demands the highest performance,

• and the driven mode, which tirelessly tries to meet these demands in order to avoid negative feelings such as fear of failure, guilt or shame.

At the core are dysfunctional basic beliefs, so-called life schemas, such as:

• ‘Only if I am perfect am I valuable.’

• ‘I can't afford to make a mistake, otherwise I'll be rejected.’

• ‘I have to achieve more than others to be recognised.’

Such schemata lead to a chronic state of inner stress. Those affected put themselves under enormous pressure to perform, plan excessively, control themselves and others, and never feel genuine satisfaction. Even objective successes are judged as ‘not enough’, because the internal standard keeps shifting.

Many perfectionists report that they base their self-esteem solely on performance or external feedback. This can lead to them only feeling valuable when they achieve top marks, receive compliments or stand out in comparison to others. However, this source of self-esteem is unstable – it only lasts as long as the success lasts.

In relationships, perfectionism often manifests itself in a strong fear of showing vulnerability. Weaknesses are hidden, criticism is feared, and conflicts are avoided in order to maintain the image of control and competence. In the long term, this leads to distance and loneliness, because real connection comes from authenticity, not perfection.

These attitudes can lead to a cycle of exertion, self-deprecation and emotional exhaustion. Perfectionism becomes the central organising principle of one's self-image – and at the same time an inner prison.

So where does perfectionist behaviour come from?

Perfectionist behaviour often originates in childhood and can lead to fragile self-esteem. Many people with a perfectionist tendency report that their caregivers linked love or approval to performance. In terms of schema therapy, this is often the ‘high standards/relentless benchmarks’ schema.

People with this schema believe deep down that they have to do their best to be accepted. I am only valuable if I am excellent. Sometimes – in an overcompensation – a false self is constructed: I am better than others because I deliver such perfect performance. These beliefs are not rationally, but emotionally anchored – and therefore so difficult to change.

Letting go of perfectionism: a first step towards self-acceptance

Letting go of perfectionism does not mean settling for mediocrity. On the contrary, learning to be more compassionate with yourself can help you build more stable self-esteem in the long term and use your strengths in a healthier way.

In schema therapy, the so-called ‘healthy adult self’ is strengthened – an inner part that acts with compassion, clarity and composure. If you allow yourself not to have to be perfect, you can develop functional perfection: clear standards, without compulsive self-optimisation, which often leads to eating disorders.

9 tips to overcome perfectionism

Do you want to get rid of perfectionism or deal with it better? The following 9 tips will help you develop more psychological flexibility – accompanied by schema-therapeutic impulses from our practice:

1. Recognise dysfunctional perfectionism

Ask yourself honestly: Do I strive for performance out of joy or out of fear? Those who are afraid of failing or who constantly put themselves under pressure do not experience drive, but constant stress, which only intensifies negative thoughts. In schema therapy, the ‘driven mode’ becomes visible here – an inner state of permanent self-overload.

2. Understand your own level (perfectionism test)

A simple self-test can help you to assess your level of perfectionism and to recognise whether you have fallen into the perfectionism trap. In a therapeutic context, it is also possible to determine which schemas and modes are activated in you – for example, by keeping a schema or mode diary.

3. Learn to accept mistakes

Mistakes and weaknesses are part of life. If your inner critic sounds the alarm at the slightest deviation, you can learn to disempower the ‘self-critical mode’. Working with inner images (e.g. Imagery Rescripting) or self-compassion exercises can help.

4. Identify your inner driver

Which sentence drives you, and how does it influence your self-esteem? ‘I can't afford to make a mistake’ or ‘Only those who are perfect are loved’? Such beliefs are part of the schema-mode cycle. Recognising them is the first step towards changing them.

5. Set realistic goals

High standards are not a problem – as long as they remain achievable. Learn to distinguish between ‘important’ and ‘unimportant details’ to avoid falling into the perfectionism trap. Not every task deserves 120%, because sometimes it is more important to give your best without overwhelming yourself. And: even an 80% solution can be good and satisfactory without making you feel like a failure.

6. Letting go of control

Perfectionism creates the illusion that you can control everything. But life is full of uncertainty, and it is important to free yourself from the fear of failure. In schema therapy, we practice increasing emotional tolerance for loss of control – for example, through exposure exercises in which imperfect decisions are consciously made.

7. Show vulnerability

The ‘adapted child’ mode wants to please – but closeness is not created by adaptation, but by authenticity. Show yourself with your insecurities. Many clients report that it is precisely through this that they experience real connection.

8. Decouple self-worth

Your own self-worth should not be tied to results, even if many perfectionists tend to do so. Learn to value yourself as a person – not just as a function. This is more likely to succeed if the ‘healthy adult’ learns to confront the ‘inner critic’ in a friendly but firm manner.

9. Celebrate successes and pause

Those who always want to do everything perfectly rush from project to project and are often driven by lofty goals. Stop. Celebrate what you have achieved – even if not everything was ‘perfect’. In schema therapy, this is called ‘perceiving the needs of the healthy child’.

Striving for perfection: where is the healthy middle ground?

Perfectionism often also means measuring your own self-worth based on external results. This can lead to mental illness – especially when accompanied by fear of failure, exhaustion or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Nevertheless, the solution doesn't have to be indifference.

Functional perfectionism describes an attitude that enables motivation without pressure, goals without compulsion, commitment without self-loss and strengthens self-esteem. With the help of therapy, it is possible to learn how to deal with performance expectations in this way.

Conclusion: Overcoming perfectionism with compassion and clarity

Overcoming perfectionism means freeing yourself from inner constraints without giving up your own strengths. The combination of self-reflection, schema-therapeutic support and strategies that can be applied in everyday life enables a new way of dealing with yourself – on an equal footing.

Would you like to learn more about your own patterns? Our practice for psychology in Berlin offers well-founded diagnostics, counselling and schema coaching. Together we will work out how you can discard perfectionism, strengthen your inner parts and lead a more fulfilled life.

Ask yourself: Do I set myself realistic goals or do I tend to place excessively high demands on myself? Does this ambition serve my growth – or does it paralyse me? Good perfection leaves room for error, development and humanity. It arises from a healthy self-image, not from fear. In psychological counselling, we help you to redefine your high standards – as a guide, not as a constraint.

Frequently asked questions about perfectionism – and what you should know about it

Perfectionism affects many people – but hardly anyone talks openly about the underlying patterns. In this section, you will find answers to frequently asked questions.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism refers to the pronounced need to function flawlessly in all areas of life and to meet the highest standards. It is not a clinical diagnosis, but rather a personality trait that can be functional or dysfunctional. In schema therapy, perfectionism often manifests itself as an expression of inner drives and as an attempt to maintain control over one's own self-esteem.

Is being a perfectionist a bad thing?

Not necessarily. Functional perfectionism can be motivating, encouraging careful work and a desire for quality. It becomes a problem when perfectionism is associated with self-criticism, fear, exhaustion or avoidance – this is referred to as dysfunctional perfectionism, which can be psychologically stressful.

What need is perfectionism based on?

Perfectionist behaviour is often driven by underlying needs for security, recognition, belonging or control. In schema therapy, we often encounter the ‘inadequacy’, ‘high standards’ or ‘fear of criticism’ schemas. These patterns usually arise early in life and have a strong impact on self-perception.

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism often develops in childhood – for example, when children only experience love or appreciation when they perform well. Social and media influences (e.g. the portrayal of perfectionism) can also increase expectations of high goals. Comparisons in social networks, for example, increase the pressure to always be ‘better’. These experiences often become unconscious convictions in adulthood.

Is (obsessive-compulsive) perfectionism an illness?

Obsessive-compulsive or dysfunctional perfectionism can occur in the context of mental illnesses, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders or depression. In such cases, we speak of symptoms that require treatment, which can be easily treated with therapeutic support.

How is perfectionism treated?

In schema therapy, the focus is on recognising the inner parts (modes) that drive perfectionism – such as the ‘critical parent introject’ or the ‘driven child’. Methods such as Imagery Rescripting, mode dialogues and mindfulness exercises are used to strengthen the ‘healthy adult ego state’. The aim is to establish a new way of dealing with mistakes, performance and self-esteem.

How can I get a grip on my perfectionism?

The first step is to recognise and question your own patterns. What triggers the thought of a possible mistake? What convictions drive you? At the same time, concrete strategies can help: setting priorities, developing self-compassion, disempowering inner critics. In psychotherapy, we accompany this process individually and attentively.

How can you get rid of perfectionism?

Letting go of perfectionism means gradually detaching yourself from rigid demands. This includes formulating realistic goals, reflecting on your need for control and taking your own needs seriously. Exercises in self-care, letting go and working with inner images are particularly helpful.

Can you get rid of perfectionism?

Yes – through a combination of self-reflection, therapeutic support and practical changes in your everyday life. It's not about giving up your ambition, but about developing a healthy relationship with performance and mistakes.

The Perfectionism Test – Am I a Perfectionist?

The following questions can be a guide: Do you often feel dissatisfied, even when you're doing your best?

• Do you feel like a failure when something doesn't go perfectly?

• Do you have trouble enjoying success while constantly trying to achieve your lofty goals?

• Do you set yourself goals that are almost impossible to achieve?

• Do you avoid new tasks for fear of not doing them well enough?

If you find yourself nodding in agreement, it's worth taking a closer look – for example, by taking a professional perfectionism test or seeking professional counselling.

What does perfectionism trigger in me?

For many people, perfectionism is associated with tension, inner pressure, sleep disorders or self-doubt, which is often due to exaggeratedly high expectations. Joy, creativity or spontaneous decisions often fall by the wayside, too. In schema therapy, we look at the mode activations behind it – and what they trigger.

What specifically do I want to change?

This question initiates every change, even when it comes to perfectionism. Do you want to be kinder to yourself? Let go of tasks before they are ‘perfect’? Experience more ease in relationships? It's best to formulate goals in a concrete, realistic and binding way – even as part of a therapy process.

How do I learn to accept myself?

Self-acceptance arises from conscious inner devotion. In schema therapy, we practice reacting to our own wounded or driven inner child with the ‘healthy adult mode’ – with clarity, care and boundaries. Small daily rituals and self-compassion exercises also strengthen the feeling in the long term: I am good enough – even with faults.

How can I become more relaxed in my daily life?

Relaxation begins within: by recognising automatic thoughts, allowing imperfection and practising emotional distance to stressful situations. This also includes pragmatic changes: prioritising tasks, taking breaks seriously, and ‘sending’ inner critics on holiday. Schema therapy provides tools for this that are suitable for everyday use.

How can I have high standards without putting myself under pressure?

Ask yourself: Does this standard D serve my growth – or does it paralyse me? Good perfection leaves room for mistakes, development and humanity. It arises from a healthy self-image, not from fear. In the psychological support, we help you to redefine your high standards – as orientation, not as compulsion.