Phubbing
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Phubbing: Relationship killer? How phubbing damages relationships and jeopardises interpersonal closeness—tips for combating the relationship killer.
Is your smartphone more important than your partner? Why phubbing is a relationship killer and how it jeopardises relationships
In today's hyper-connected world, smartphones are often our constant companions. But what happens when our digital companions receive more attention than the people sitting opposite us?
What it's all about:
· "Phubbing" – a creeping poison for relationships,
· Why constantly reaching for your mobile phone is a relationship killer,
· The psychology behind it,
· How to prevent your smartphone from destroying relationships,
· How relationships are put at risk when we prioritise our smartphones over direct conversation, and
· How it damages relationships without us noticing, and how we can heal them again.
Protect yourself and your partner from digital alienation.
What exactly is phubbing, and where does the term come from?
The term phubbing is a neologism that is now firmly established in the vocabulary of modern psychology. It is a portmanteau word combining 'phone' and 'snubbing' (to offend or ignore someone). When we combine these two terms, we get an apt description for an everyday annoyance: ignoring those around us in favour of our mobile phones. Those who phub, often unconsciously, signal to their counterparts that the content on their screen is more interesting or urgent than real interaction.
Phubbing is the behaviour of looking at your smartphone in a social situation rather than paying attention to the person you are talking to. The phenomenon of phubbing is ubiquitous: in restaurants, in bed or when watching television together. But what starts as a harmless "quick check" is quickly perceived as snubbing. You run the risk of offending someone who should actually be most important to you. It is essential to understand that phubbing is not only a bad habit but also a form of social rejection.
Is your smartphone more important than a real conversation?
Many people would indignantly deny that their smartphone is more important to them than their partner. But their actions often tell a different story. When you glance at your screen in the middle of a conversation because it vibrates or lights up, the other person feels neglected. Using your smartphone in these moments sends the message: "What's happening on my screen takes priority." This creates a hierarchy of attention in which the device takes the top spot.
This prioritisation leads to the ignored party feeling neglected. Many feel lonely even though their partner is physically present. When we constantly look at our mobile phones, we interrupt the flow of empathy and emotional connection. Calling the smartphone a relationship killer is therefore no exaggeration, but a sad reality for many couples. Ironically, being constantly available to the outside world makes us unreachable to the people in our immediate vicinity.
Why do we always have our mobile phones with us, and what is nomophobia?
Why is it so difficult for us to put the device away? Why is the mobile phone constantly at hand? One reason for this is so-called nomophobia ("no mobile phone phobia"), i.e. the fear of being unreachable without a mobile phone or losing contact with the digital world. This fear drives people to check their smartphones as soon as there is a short pause in conversation, or even during it. It is a compulsive behaviour that is supposed to create security, but instead alienates us.
Mobile phone use thus becomes a reflex. We want to make arrangements, organise things or have a quick chat, but the device gets in the way. Those who suffer from nomophobia experience inner turmoil when their smartphone is not within sight. This constant state of alert prevents us from fully engaging with the here and now. Inappropriate smartphone use becomes the norm, and partners have to compete for attention with a device programmed to catch our eye.
How does the smartphone become a relationship killer?
It has been scientifically proven that phubbing has a massive negative impact on relationship satisfaction. Studies on the subject clearly show that the more often one partner uses their mobile phone in the presence of the other, the unhappier the relationship is. Smartphones can be relationship killers because they degrade the quality of conversations. Profound conversations are hardly possible when one of the two is listening with half an ear and reading emails with half an eye.
If you constantly make your partner feel like they are playing second fiddle, you are undermining the foundation of the relationship: trust and appreciation. Conflict is then inevitable. It's not just about the time spent on the screen, but about the way this time is stolen from the time spent together. Those who are phubbed ly feel less loved and respected than a gadget, and rightly so. Phubbing creates an emotional divide that is difficult to bridge if the behaviour does not change.
Does phubbing jeopardise relationships through jealousy and mistrust?
Yes, phubbing can definitely be a breeding ground for jealousy and mistrust. When your partner is constantly busy with their smartphone, smiling or typing without sharing the content, questions arise. "Who are they texting?" or "What is so much more exciting than me?" are thoughts that come to mind. Smartphones become a kind of "black box" in the relationship, seemingly harbouring secrets.
This closed-off behaviour is simply disinterest or even emotional betrayal. Even if there is often no malicious intent behind it, but perhaps just scrolling through social media, the neglected partner rightly interprets the phubbing behaviour negatively. The feeling of disinterest grows. In terms of couple dynamics, this causes the hurt partner to withdraw, which, in turn, can lead the other partner to become even more engrossed in their mobile phone, creating a vicious circle.
What role do FOMO and the digital world play?
A strong driver for constant checking is FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the fear of missing something. In the digital world, something is always happening, mostly completely trivial: messages, likes, updates. This fear of missing out keeps us in a state of constant tension. We worry that we will no longer be able to join in the conversation if we don't respond immediately. But while we try not to miss out on trivialities in the online world, we miss out on real life with our partner.
FOMO means we no longer focus on our friends or partners. Virtual validation seems more satisfying in the short term than the sometimes exhausting life of a real relationship. But this is a fallacy. Time spent on your mobile phone is empty time, while time spent with your partner fills your emotional account. Those who are guided by FOMO risk ending up knowing all the status updates but losing their partner.
Does phubbing harm mental health?
Phubbing not only affects relationships but also the mental health of those affected. People who are regularly phubbed develop signs of depression and lower self-esteem. They feel unimportant and replaceable. The constant signal "You're not enough for me right now" leaves its mark on the soul.
The situation is also unhealthy for the "perpetrator", the person doing the phubbing. Constant sensory overload and the inability to switch off increase stress levels. There is a link between excessive smartphone use and internet addiction or burnout symptoms. When we are constantly distracted by our smartphones, we lose the ability to relax and reflect. In the long term, this is harmful to everyone, including our relationships.
Is phubbing a sign of disrespect?
Many people find it rude when someone pulls out their mobile phone during a conversation. It's basically no different from getting up in the middle of a sentence and leaving the room. Offending someone should be taken literally here. Phubbing in romantic relationships often weighs even more heavily than among friends, as the expectation of intimacy and exclusive attention is higher.
If you look at your mobile phone while your partner is telling you about their day, you are signalling disinterest. Phubbing (as a Germanised verb) is an attack on the dignity of the person you are talking to. It violates the basic rules of interpersonal interaction. Respect also means giving the other person your undivided attention. If you don't, you risk your partner closing themselves off emotionally and limiting interaction to the bare minimum.
Does digital detox help against relationship killers?
In view of the problems that threaten relationships, digital detox is often cited as a solution. This does not mean giving up your smartphone completely, but instead taking conscious breaks. Mobile-free zones (such as the bedroom or the dining table) can work wonders. It's about creating spaces where smartphones don't interfere with relationships.
A digital detox helps couples rediscover the quality of their time together. Without the constant distraction of the device, conversations can become more meaningful again. It reduces stress and screen time, creating space for genuine connection. By agreeing to limit smartphone use to specific times, you show your partner: "You are important to me, and I want to spend my time with you consciously."
How can we free our relationships from the disruptive factor of smartphones?
There is no magic cure for phubbing except conscious behavioural change. The first step is to recognise that your own behaviour is damaging the relationship. Talk openly with your partner about it. Say, "I feel neglected when you look at your phone while we're eating." Avoid accusations; talk about your feelings.
Agree on rules. Put your phone away when you're watching a film or eating. Use apps that track your usage time to get a sense of how much you use. Try cultivating interpersonal relationships again in an analogue way. Eye contact is more potent than any emoji. When we learn to see the smartphone as a tool rather than the purpose of our lives, it loses its disruptive effect. In this way, a relationship that suffers from smartphones can once again become a partnership between equals.
The most important points in brief
Definition: Phubbing is a combination of "phone" and "snubbing" and describes ignoring your partner in favour of your smartphone.
Impact: It undermines relationship satisfaction and can lead to jealousy, mistrust, and feelings of neglect.
Causes: Nomophobia (fear of being without a mobile phone), FOMO (fear of missing out), and habit drive the behaviour.
Psychology: The ignored partner often suffers from declining self-esteem; phubbing signals disrespect and disinterest.
Solution: Establish mobile-free zones and times for digital detox. Prioritise real interaction and give your partner your full attention again.
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