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Dealing with feelings: Understanding emotions and learning to regulate them. Tips for dealing with feelings for happiness and health.

Understanding emotion regulation: neurobiological foundations and how to manage your feelings

Emotion regulation is one of the most important skills for mental health, fulfilling relationships and professional success. But while many people know that they should regulate their emotions, very few understand the neurobiological basis behind it – and therefore fail when it matters most.

What it's about:

• How emotion regulation works in the brain,

• Why theoretical knowledge fails in stressful situations, and

• Which practical strategies can help you keep your emotions under control?

You will learn how the neurobiology of your emotions controls you – and how you can regain control.

What is emotion regulation, and why is it so important?

Emotion regulation refers to the conscious and unconscious processes we use to influence the nature, intensity, and duration of our emotional reactions. It is not about suppressing or avoiding feelings, but about dealing with them constructively – even when they are intense or unpleasant.

People with well-developed emotional control strategies can remain calm in conflict situations, bounce back more quickly after setbacks and build more stable relationships. They experience less stress, have a stronger immune system, and have been shown to benefit in terms of happiness and health. Conversely, a lack of emotional regulation leads to chronic stress, increased susceptibility to mental illness and a reduced quality of life.

The ability to regulate emotions is not innate – it develops over a lifetime and can be trained. Neuroscientific studies show that the neural networks underlying emotional regulation can be altered through targeted training. This means that no one is helplessly at the mercy of their emotional reactions.

How does emotion regulation work neurobiologically in the brain?

The neurobiological basis of emotion regulation involves the complex interaction of multiple brain regions. At the centre is the amygdala, an almond-shaped area in the temporal lobe that functions as an emotional alarm system. It evaluates incoming stimuli at lightning speed for their emotional significance and triggers automatic reactions in the event of danger or threat – long before our conscious thinking can even kick in.

The frontal cortex (prefrontal cortex, especially the dorsolateral and ventromedial areas), on the other hand, is responsible for conscious emotion regulation. This region enables us to evaluate and modulate emotional responses and make mindful decisions. The problem is that under severe stress or intense emotions, the prefrontal cortex becomes less active, while the amygdala becomes hyperactive. This is precisely why our rational knowledge fails in emotionally charged situations.

Neurobiology also shows why some people find it easier to regulate their emotions than others. Factors such as early attachment experiences, genetic predisposition and trauma influence the development and functioning of these neural networks. The good news is that these patterns can be changed through neuroplasticity—the brain's ability to adapt and restructure itself.

Why does theoretical knowledge about emotion regulation fail in stressful situations?

Many people are familiar with the theory of emotion regulation: they have read books, attended seminars and can list the various emotion regulation strategies. Nevertheless, they explode in arguments with their partner, react impulsively to criticism from their boss or withdraw when they should actually be communicating. This discrepancy between knowledge and action has neurological causes.

When we are relaxed and reading a book about emotion regulation, our prefrontal cortex is working optimally – we understand, reflect and think: "Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do!" But in an emotionally charged situation, the amygdala takes control. It activates the limbic system and puts us into survival mode in a matter of seconds. In this state, access to our stored knowledge about emotions and regulation strategies is severely restricted or completely blocked.

This neurological reality explains why even therapists and psychologists react emotionally in their own lives. It is not a matter of a lack of intelligence or discipline, but rather the way our brains function under stress. The solution lies not in more theoretical knowledge, but in practical methods that work even when rational thinking is offline.

Which neurobiological emotion regulation strategies are most effective?

From a neurobiological perspective, specific strategies have proven to be particularly effective. Cognitive reappraisal activates the prefrontal cortex explicitly and reduces amygdala activity. This involves reinterpreting the meaning of a situation: "My boss is not criticising me as a person, but is concerned about the project." This strategy has been shown to alter neural activity and can reduce long-term stress reactivity.

Another highly effective strategy is affective labelling—the precise naming of emotions. Neuroscientific studies show that simply expressing a feeling, whether internally or externally ("I am angry and disappointed right now"), reduces amygdala activity and activates the prefrontal cortex. This seemingly simple technique has measurable neurological effects and can be easily integrated into everyday life.

Mindfulness-based approaches work at a different neurological level: they strengthen the connection between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system, increasing the ability to observe emotions without immediately reacting to them. Regular mindfulness practice has been shown to change the structure of the brain, particularly the density of grey matter in areas responsible for emotional regulation. These changes can improve the effects of psychotherapy.

How can I keep my feelings under control when emotions are running high?

The key lies in creating a time window between the emotional trigger and the reaction. Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor has shown through her research that the neurochemical response to an emotional trigger lasts about 90 seconds. In this time window, we can decide whether to continue feeding the emotional response or let it subside. This is where the SYSTEM principle comes in—a practical method of emotion regulation explicitly developed for these critical moments.

The SYSTEM acronym stands for six steps: Sense, Yield, Speak, Think, Engage and Merge. These steps systematically guide you through the neurological processes necessary for successful emotion regulation. By first perceiving the physical signals of the emotion (Sense), you interrupt the automatic reaction impulse and activate your prefrontal cortex.

With regular practice, these steps become a new form of automaticity. You replace the old, reactive automaticity with a conscious, constructive way of responding. Studies show that people who use systematic methods of emotion regulation are not only better able to regulate their emotional responses, but also experience long-term changes in their stress reactivity and mental health.

What role do early attachment experiences play in the development of emotion regulation?

The ability to regulate emotions does not develop in a vacuum; it is created in relationships. Early attachment experiences with primary caregivers shape the neural architecture that later supports emotional self-regulation. When children experience sensitive responses to their emotional needs, they develop the neurological foundations for adequate emotional self-control.

In children who have inconsistent, neglectful or traumatic relationship experiences, the emotion regulation system develops differently. The amygdala can become overactive, while the connection to the prefrontal cortex is weaker. This leads to increased emotional reactivity and difficulty regulating emotions – patterns that can persist into adulthood.

The good news is that neuroplastic changes can modify these early imprints. Therapeutic relationships, supportive partnerships and targeted training in regulation approaches can restructure neural networks. This also explains why psychotherapy is effective – it not only offers new insights, but literally changes the way the brain functions.

How do adaptive and maladaptive emotion regulation strategies differ?

Not all regulation strategies are equally effective. Adaptive strategies such as cognitive reappraisal, acceptance or the targeted search for social support lead to better mental health and more fulfilling relationships in the long term. They activate the prefrontal cortex and promote flexible responses to emotional challenges.

Maladaptive strategies such as suppression (suppressing emotional expressions), avoidance or substance abuse may bring short-term relief, but exacerbate problems in the long term. From a neurological perspective, these strategies prevent the integration and processing of emotional experiences. The amygdala remains activated, and the underlying emotional conflicts remain unresolved.

The choice of regulation strategy often depends on early learning experiences and current stressors. People under chronic stress are more likely to resort to maladaptive strategies because they lack the cognitive resources for adaptive regulation. An important step is therefore to recognise one's own patterns – for example, through self-tests with evaluations and therapeutic support – and gradually develop more adaptive strategies.

What practical exercises promote neurobiological emotion regulation in everyday life?

One of the most effective exercises is daily mindfulness practice. Just 10-15 minutes a day is enough to bring about measurable changes in brain structure. Studies using imaging techniques show that regular meditation increases grey matter density in the prefrontal cortex and, at the same time, reduces amygdala reactivity. This leads to an improved ability to regulate emotions even in stressful situations.

Another evidence-based method involves structured programmes such as dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). These approaches offer specific exercises for emotion regulation, often combined with evaluations and an 8-week programme that gradually builds new neural patterns. Such structured approaches combine theoretical understanding with practical application.

Physical interventions are also neurologically effective. Breathing techniques such as cyclic sighing activate the parasympathetic nervous system and directly calm the amygdala. Regular exercise, especially endurance sports, increases the production of neurotrophins, which promote the growth of new neural connections. These physical practices are not mere relaxation exercises – they bring about lasting changes in the neurological basis of emotion regulation.

How can professional support help with emotion regulation?

While self-help strategies are effective for many people, there are situations where professional support is necessary. In cases of severe emotional dysregulation associated with trauma, anxiety disorders, depression or personality disorders, self-help approaches alone are not enough. Therapists can work specifically on the neurological and psychological foundations and teach emotion regulation strategies tailored to individual needs.

Modern psychotherapy methods increasingly integrate neurobiological knowledge into their treatment approaches. Therapists understand how trauma sensitises the amygdala, how dissociative states are related to the separation between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system, and how therapeutic relationships can promote neuroplastic changes. This integration of neuroscience and psychotherapy makes treatments more effective and sustainable.

Therapeutic work also provides a safe space to practise emotion regulation strategies before applying them in everyday life. In therapy sessions, emotional responses can be activated and regulated together, forming new neural pathways. This co-regulation between therapist and client lays the foundation for later self-regulation – a process that, from a neurological perspective, can, to a certain extent, correct early attachment experiences.

How can I integrate emotion regulation into my everyday life in the long term?

The long-term integration of emotion regulation requires more than learning individual techniques – it involves a change of perspective. Instead of viewing emotions as disruptive factors that need to be controlled, it is essential to understand them as valuable sources of information. Emotions signal to us what is critical, where boundaries are being crossed and which needs require attention.

A practical approach is to integrate small rituals into your daily routine: a five-minute mindfulness practice in the morning, regular check-ins with yourself ("What emotion am I feeling right now?"), conscious breaks during stressful work phases. These small exercises may seem insignificant, but over time, they create new neural habits. The brain's neuroplasticity means that what we practise regularly becomes the new normal.

Finally, it is essential to have realistic expectations. Developing robust regulatory skills can take months or even years. It is not about becoming perfect or never being emotionally reactive again. The goal is to gain greater freedom of choice gradually – to develop the ability to choose between an automatic reaction and a conscious response. Every situation in which this is achieved strengthens the neural networks and makes it a little easier the next time.

Essential points about emotion regulation – things to remember:

·       Emotion regulation is not an innate ability, but can be developed through targeted training – the brain is neuroplastic and changeable

·       The amygdala (emotional alarm system) and the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking) must work together – under stress, the amygdala dominates and blocks access to our knowledge

·       Theoretical knowledge about emotion regulation fails in stressful situations because neurological mechanisms take effect – that is why we need practical methods that work in real time

·       The SYSTEM principle offers a 6-step method (Sense, Yield, Speak, Think, Engage, Merge) that is neurobiologically based and can be applied in critical moments

·       The 90-second rule states that the neurochemical response to an emotional trigger lasts about 90 seconds – after that, we decide for ourselves whether to continue feeding the emotion

·       Adaptive emotion regulation strategies (cognitive reappraisal, acceptance, affective labelling) activate the prefrontal cortex and lead to long-term mental health

·       Maladaptive strategies (suppression, avoidance, substance abuse) exacerbate problems in the long term, even if they bring short-term relief

·       Early attachment experiences shape the neurological basis of emotion regulation, but these patterns can be changed through neuroplasticity

·       Regular mindfulness practice measurably changes brain structure: increased grey matter density in the prefrontal cortex, reduced amygdala reactivity

·       Professional therapeutic support is necessary for severe emotional dysregulation – self-help strategies can supplement but not replace it

·       Long-term integration requires small, regular exercises in everyday life – new neural habits are formed through continuous practice, not through perfect execution

·       The goal is not to become emotionless, but to gain freedom of choice: to be able to choose between automatic reactions and conscious, value-oriented responses

The ability to regulate emotions is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. It influences every aspect of our lives – from the quality of our relationships and our professional success to our mental and physical health. By understanding the neurobiological foundations and practical methods such as the SYSTEM principle, you can get your feelings under control without suppressing them. The path requires patience and practice, but the investment is worth it – for a life with more emotional freedom, authenticity and inner strength.

FAQs about the SYSTEM principle

How long does it take for the SYSTEM principle to become automatic?

Neural restructuring takes time – typically 6 to 12 weeks with regular use. Initially, you will need to go through the steps consciously. Over time, they will become a new form of automaticity. The key is not perfect execution, but continuous practice. Each successful application strengthens the neural pathways and makes it easier the next time.

Does SYSTEM also work with very intense emotions?

The system can be beneficial for moderate to vigorous emotional intensity. However, any self-regulation method reaches its limits when faced with overwhelming emotions or traumatic triggers. If your emotional reactions significantly affect your life or you are regularly overwhelmed by your feelings, professional therapeutic support is essential. SYSTEM can then be a valuable addition to therapy, but it does not replace it.

What if I forget the steps in the middle of the situation?

This is entirely normal and happens to everyone, especially in the beginning. The most crucial step, then, is to "merge"—to reflect retrospectively: When could I have intervened? What physical signals did I overlook? This retrospective integration is just as valuable as the real-time application. Over time, you will recognise the triggers earlier. View each situation as a learning opportunity, not a failure.

How does SYSTEM differ from mindfulness?

Mindfulness is an integral part of the SYSTEM principle, but it is not the whole picture. While mindfulness often focuses on observing and accepting emotions, SYSTEM offers a concrete framework for dealing with them. It combines mindfulness (Sense, Yield, Speak) with cognitive evaluation (Think) and value-oriented action (Engage, Merge). SYSTEM is, so to speak, "mindfulness plus action strategy".

Can I also use SYSTEM preventively?

Absolutely. If you know that a challenging situation is coming up – such as a difficult conversation with your boss or a conflict in your relationship – you can mentally go through the steps. Think about it: What emotions might arise? How would I respond with Sense and Yield? What do I want to achieve with Engage? This mental preparation makes it much easier to apply in a real situation.

What do I do if the other person does not respond constructively?

The SYSTEM principle gives you control over your own reactions, not over others’. Even if the other person escalates or remains destructive, SYSTEM allows you to maintain your inner stability and consciously decide how you want to respond. Sometimes the best Engage response is to withdraw from the situation and come back later. This is not defeat, but emotional maturity.

How do I teach the SYSTEM principle to my partner or children?

The most effective way is to lead by example. When others notice that you are reacting differently – more calmly, more clearly, less reactively – they will become curious. You can then explain: "I use a method that helps me to act consciously in difficult moments instead of reacting automatically." For children, it can be simplified: "Stop (Yield) – Think – Engage". But don't expect others to join in immediately. Your own transformation will be the strongest invitation.

Invitation to the book event (in German) at Müritz

On the weekend of 16 to 18 January 2026, I will be presenting my next book, Das SYSTEM-Prinzip: Die 6-Schritte-Methode für emotionale Intelligenz im Alltag" at the historic Ludorf manor house (approx. 140 km from Berlin).

Programme

16 January: free book presentation in the evening with a free copy for each participant

17 and 18 January: Intensive seminar on the topic "Wie regulieren wir unsere Emotionen – ohne uns selbst zu verlieren?" – likewise in German

(max. 12 places)

Options & prices

Seminar:

€350

plus, costs for accommodation and meals (€100–200 for accommodation)

👉 For more information, https://www.praxis-psychologie-berlin.de/en/save-the-date

👉 And to book your accommodation, please get in touch with https://gutshaus-ludorf.de

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