Toxic shame and the inner critic in psychotherapy: thought stopping and other ways out of the vicious circle of self-deprecation and embarrassing emotions

Do you sometimes feel worthless, wrong or deeply flawed? These experiences describe what psychotherapists refer to as toxic shame. It goes far beyond a mere unpleasant feeling. Toxic shame is not situational, but has a lasting effect. Those affected suffer from a chronic impression of being fundamentally deficient as human beings: inadequate, unlovable, flawed or even ‘damaged’.

This feeling acts like a tunnel: it narrows one's perception of oneself, distorts feedback from others and every form of relationship. Precisely because it is a deeply internalised, emotionally charged pattern, toxic shame often eludes conscious access. It works in the background – silently, tenaciously, persistently.

In conjunction with the inner critic, which acts as a constant commentator and amplifier of this shame, it unleashes enormous psychological power. The inner critic attacks, controls, punishes and frightens. It reactivates old, hurtful beliefs and thus prevents those affected from developing freely, acting courageously or treating themselves with love.

This typically creates a vicious circle: the more ashamed someone feels, the stronger the inner critic becomes. And the more the inner critic criticises, the stronger the feelings of shame become. The result: isolation, fear of social contact, withdrawal, perfectionism, over-adaptation or excessive control. Many of those affected develop depressive symptoms, anxiety disorders or a feeling of deep inner emptiness.

Toxic shame affects not only thinking, but also behaviour, everyday decisions, career paths and relationships. It can cause people to hold themselves back, miss opportunities, isolate themselves or remain in destructive relationships – out of a deep conviction that they do not deserve anything better. It is often linked to a chronic feeling of ‘being wrong’: an inner, elusive conviction that one's own existence is a burden to others or fundamentally inappropriate.

However, toxic shame can be overcome. The most important step is to recognise it and understand that it does not reflect the truth about oneself, but is an old protective reaction. What began as a childish coping strategy has now unfolded its destructive effect. In the past, it may have been helpful to remain silent, conform or take the blame in order to avoid conflict or jeopardise relationships. But what was necessary for survival back then is now an obstacle to a free and self-determined life.

Psychotherapy can help break this cycle. In a safe environment, those affected learn to see through the mechanisms of shame and inner criticism, develop new inner voices and enter into a respectful relationship with themselves. They learn to distinguish between experiencing ‘shame’ as a feeling and ‘shame identity’ as a fixed self-image. They learn that they are not their shame, but that they are experiencing a feeling that has its own history.

The therapeutic process does not consist solely of ‘talking about it’ – rather, it is about gradually experiencing new emotions. In the relationship with the therapist, patients learn that empathy is possible without performance. That they can be understood without pretending. And that even deep feelings of shame and self-rejection can be seen and held.

Berlin in particular offers specialised psychotherapy services. At Psychologie Berlin-Halensee, the focus is often on issues such as shame, trauma, self-esteem and self-compassion. Deep psychological, schema therapy and mindfulness-based approaches are used. The therapeutic work is not aimed solely at treating symptoms, but at restoring an inner sense of dignity, integrity and belonging.

What this post is about:

• What exactly is shame?

• How does toxic shame arise, and what does childhood trauma have to do with it?

• What role does the inner critic play?

• How does toxic shame affect self-esteem?

• Which psychotherapeutic approaches help?

The aim is to create an understanding of the depth and impact of this feeling – and to show ways in which a healing relationship with oneself can be achieved.

What is toxic shame?

Shame is the feeling of not meeting social or personal expectations – a signal that is supposed to secure our social integration and belonging. It arises when we believe that we stand out negatively in the eyes of others, that we have failed or that we have ‘embarrassed’ ourselves. In its healthy form, shame points us to boundaries and values: it helps us to be considerate, maintain relationships and act responsibly. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is not situation-specific, but generalised and profound. It does not say, ‘I did something wrong,’ but rather, ‘I am wrong.’ This type of shame is directed against a person's entire identity and is therefore particularly destructive. Those who experience toxic shame do not see themselves as acting subjects with flaws, but as permanently flawed people who feel guilty, inadequate and burdensome at their core.

Typical inner statements include:

• ‘I am a burden.’

• ‘I must not show myself.’

• ‘I am not lovable.’

Toxic shame manifests itself not only psychologically, but also physically. People who are affected by it often report:

• chronic tension

• inner restlessness or feeling of pressure

• shortness of breath, stomach problems or insomnia

The result is a life in a permanent state of alert, in which every social interaction becomes a potential threat. Those who constantly live with the thought that they are fundamentally ‘not okay’ often develop avoidant or perfectionist behaviour in order to avoid being attacked.

Toxic shame is not a character trait, but a learned response – usually from early and repeated experiences. And that also means it can be unlearned and transformed.

How does toxic shame develop?

Toxic shame rarely arises from a single situation. It is usually the result of repeated, profoundly negative experiences that have been imprinted early in life. Childhood trauma, chronic neglect or derogatory communication in the parental home are particularly common triggers. The child learns: ‘I am not wanted the way I am.’ This conclusion is internalised, often unconsciously, and forms the emotional basis for a shame identity.

Common causes of toxic shame include:

• Emotional or physical abuse (direct violation of self-esteem)

• Ignoring needs (implies: ‘You are not important’)

• Repeated exposure or humiliation (e.g. at school or in the family)

• Transfer of parental shame to the child (e.g. in the case of traumatised parents)

Cultural or religious influences that associate certain feelings, needs or physical characteristics with guilt or shame can also promote toxic shame.

The tricky thing is that children almost always look for the fault in themselves. They cannot understand that their parents' behaviour is inappropriate. This gives rise to so-called “introjects” – internalised voices that later return as an inner critic.

If a child has learned that they only receive attention when they conform, are quiet, useful or well-behaved, they will always try to control their own expression in the future. Shame then becomes a control mechanism: every authentic need triggers guilt or insecurity. Access to one's own experiences is disrupted, and self-perception and emotional regulation become unbalanced.

This develops into a highly adaptable personality that functions well on the outside but has a vulnerable, often hidden inner reality.

The good news is that what has been learned can also be relearned. And the therapeutic relationship offers a crucial space for this.

What emotions are associated with feelings of shame?

Toxic shame is never an isolated feeling. Rather, it unfolds as a complex emotional network in which different, often contradictory emotions are interwoven. The affected person does not experience a clearly defined emotion, but rather a diffuse mixture of tension, withdrawal, inner emptiness and self-deprecation.

Frequently occurring accompanying emotions are:

· Fear of rejection: A deep-seated worry about being judged or excluded for who you are. · Feelings of guilt: Often, it is unclear what you actually feel guilty about – the guilt is chronic, vague and unrelated to specific actions. · Anger: This is sometimes directed at oneself (auto-aggressive), sometimes at others, but is often suppressed because it is experienced as ‘not allowed’. · Sadness and powerlessness: Many experience a deep, nameless feeling of loss or a lack of connection to themselves. · Inferiority: The constant feeling of not being good enough compared to others or of being under constant observation.

Shame binds these emotions and stores them in an ‘inner space of retreat.’ Some sufferers report a strong physical need to hide, make themselves small or become completely invisible. Others experience inner coldness, numbness or a ‘collapse’ of their self-esteem.

This is what makes toxic shame so paralysing: it permeates not only thinking, but also emotional experience and the relationship with one's own body. It causes many people to lose access to their real needs. Instead of feeling connected, clear or capable of acting, an ‘inner fog’ of insecurity and self-control dominates.

A central task in psychotherapy is to clear this fog, to perceive the underlying emotions in a differentiated way and to meet them with compassion. Only when shame, anger, sadness and fear are allowed to be named can they change.

How does toxic shame affect self-esteem?

Self-esteem is closely linked to the ability to experience oneself as fundamentally okay, lovable and competent – regardless of external achievements or perfect behaviour. Toxic shame undermines precisely this foundation. It acts like an internal filter that distorts all experiences: praise is not believed, criticism is overrated, and one's own successes are devalued or interpreted as coincidence.

People with toxic shame often experience:

· chronic self-deprecation (‘I'm not good enough’)

· a strong tendency to compare themselves to others (‘Everyone else is better at it’)

· difficulty acknowledging their own achievements

· the feeling that they constantly have to prove themselves

This inner attitude rarely remains without consequences. Those who constantly feel flawed or inadequate will eventually adjust their behaviour accordingly: they speak less in groups, avoid career opportunities, and do not express their own opinions for fear of being exposed or shamed.

As a result, their own potential often remains untapped. Life satisfaction also suffers because positive experiences are not integrated internally. The ‘inner account’ of self-esteem remains empty, no matter how much is deposited from outside.

One goal of psychotherapy is to restore access to healthy self-esteem. This includes:

· Developing realistic self-perception

· Recognising and interrupting automatic patterns of self-deprecation

· Developing a compassionate, supportive inner dialogue

Only when people begin to view themselves kindly – including their perceived flaws – does development become truly possible. Healthy self-esteem is not based on perfection, but on self-acceptance.

The inner critic: who is that?

The inner critic is that part of our inner experience that constantly evaluates, controls and devalues us. It speaks with a voice that sounds familiar – often a mixture of parental comments, social expectations and internalised norms. This voice doesn't just tell us what we've done wrong. It says, ‘You're wrong.’

Typical statements from the inner critic sound like:

· ‘Pull yourself together.’

· ’That's not good enough.’

· ‘You're too sensitive.’

· ’You can't show yourself like that.’

These thoughts arise automatically – especially in moments when we are vulnerable: after a mistake, in social situations, when we are criticised or when we try something new. The critic usually does not speak rationally, but with emotional pressure: guilt, fear, self-hatred.

The inner critic is not innate. It is a learned protective mechanism. It often develops in childhood when parents or caregivers had high expectations, were overly critical or suffered from unresolved feelings of shame themselves. The child adopts these voices in order to fit in, gain security or secure attachment.

In psychotherapeutic work, it is helpful to view the critic not as an enemy, but as an overactive protective figure. Its original function was to prevent us from being hurt, shamed or rejected again. The only problem is that it has overshot its target – and today does more harm than good.

A central goal in therapy is therefore:

· to recognise the critic (identification)

· understanding its origins and function

· distancing oneself from it internally (e.g. by naming it)

· developing alternative, compassionate voices

The inner critic is powerful, but not all-powerful. When we learn to see through it, name it and counter it with other perspectives, our inner experience begins to change fundamentally.

5 ways the inner critic distorts your world

Way #1: It always finds fault

The inner critic never lets praise stand – it always finds a fly in the ointment.

• ‘You finished the project? Yes, but it wasn't perfect.’

• ‘The other person only invited you because she felt sorry for you.’

Why this is important: This constant devaluation blocks genuine joy. The brain learns to mistrust success – self-confidence declines.

Way #2: It exaggerates mistakes and ignores strengths

A small mistake is blown out of proportion – a success is immediately relativised.

Toxic shame distorts reality:

• ‘I messed up the meeting’ (even though 90% went well)

• ‘That was luck’ (even though preparation and effort were crucial).

Why this is important

Selective perception leads to learned helplessness. Self-efficacy is lost.

Path #3: He thrives on comparisons

Social comparisons are his favourite food – always in favour of others.

• ‘The others seem so much more confident.’

• ‘I'm so weird – why can't I be like them?’

Why this is important:

These comparisons not only reinforce the feeling of being different, but also isolate – both internally and socially.

Path #4: He prevents new experiences

Toxic shame inhibits courage. The critic warns:

‘Don't do that – you'll just embarrass yourself.’

• Application not sent

• Invitation declined

• Lecture skipped

Why this is important:

Avoidance reinforces fear – and keeps your life artificially small.

Way #5: It imitates your voice – and disguises itself as ‘realism’

The critic often sounds reasonable:

‘I'm just being honest with myself.’ Or: ’I don't want to come across as arrogant.’

Why this is important:

As long as it disguises itself as truth, the critic remains powerful – and is not questioned.

How does the inner critic express itself in everyday life?

The inner critic shows up in many situations in our daily lives – sometimes subtly, sometimes very clearly. It becomes particularly loud when we step out of our comfort zone, show ourselves, make mistakes or want to stand up for ourselves honestly. Its attacks are often automatic, lightning fast and accompanied by intense emotional pressure.

Typical expressions in everyday life are:

· Self-critical thoughts after social interactions (‘That was embarrassing,’ ‘You talked too much’) · Blocking thoughts before new challenges (‘You can't do it anyway,’ ‘Others are better’) · Devaluing your own achievements (‘That was just luck,’ ‘Anyone could have done that’) · Excessive expectations of oneself (‘You mustn't make any mistakes,’ ‘Try harder’) · Avoiding visibility (e.g. not asking questions, not expressing opinions)

These internal attacks do not remain without consequences. They often lead to:

· Chronic tension

· Indecisiveness

· Social withdrawal

· Self-sabotage

· Low self-confidence

Those affected often feel as if they are being controlled by others – they ‘function’ on the outside while under pressure on the inside. Many of these reactions were learned early on as a way of gaining emotional security, but today they lead to severe inner turmoil.

Psychotherapy is about taking a close look: In which situations does the inner critic become active? What language does it use? What feelings does it trigger? This form of self-observation creates the basis for consciously counteracting it – with compassion, realistic perspectives and the permission to be imperfect.

How can I deal with my inner critic?

Dealing with the inner critic is a central component of psychotherapeutic work with toxic shame. The goal is not to silence the critical voice completely, but to disempower it, contextualise it and supplement it with alternative, benevolent inner voices. It is about readjusting the power relations within the inner system.

Effective coping consists of several steps:

1. Identification – Recognising the voice

The first step is to consciously notice when and how the inner critic makes itself heard. In which situations? With which words? What physical reactions or feelings arise? This observation creates distance.

Example: ‘After the meeting, I thought again that I had embarrassed myself. The thought came automatically – that's my inner critic.’

2. Naming – creating distance

Give the voice a name or a character: ‘The driver’, ‘The asshole’; but humour is also allowed: ‘Miss Always Right’, ‘General Modest’, ‘Dr Perfect’. Naming it creates emotional distance and a clear awareness: This is not me – it is a part of me.

3. Self-reflection – understanding where it comes from

Where do I know this voice from? What experiences or people reflect in it? Understanding where it comes from often dispels feelings of guilt – and opens up new perspectives.

4. Transformation – Change your inner dialogue

Consciously counter the critical voice with a supportive one. For example:

· Instead of: ‘You didn't manage it again’ → ‘I tried – that's what counts.’

· Instead of: ‘You're embarrassing’ → ‘I was brave to show myself.’

These contrasts may seem artificial at first. They gain inner credibility with repetition.

5. Strengthening – Building new inner voices

This is about consciously developing a compassionate, empowering part of yourself. This part reminds you that mistakes are human, that growth takes time and that you are good enough – right now.

In therapy, these inner voices are practised in a concrete way, for example in schema therapy using techniques such as chair work, imagination or diary dialogues. The goal is to create an inner team that no longer consists only of control and devaluation – but also of self-protection, encouragement and warmth.

The inner critic loses power when you learn to meet yourself on equal terms.

What role does self-compassion play?

Self-compassion is the ability to treat yourself with kindness instead of judgement in moments of pain, failure or uncertainty. It does not mean indulgence or excuse, but rather an attitude of inner kindness. People with toxic shame often experience themselves as their own harshest judges. Self-compassion invites you to add a new voice to this inner courtroom: a caring voice that says, ‘You're okay – even when it's hard.’

This attitude can be broken down into three basic elements:

1. Self-awareness – The ability to consciously notice difficult feelings without repressing them or letting them overwhelm you. 2. Common humanity – The recognition that failure, pain and inadequacy are universal human experiences. 3. Kindness towards oneself – Developing a warm, supportive inner dialogue instead of self-criticism and harsh judgement.

Example of a change in perspective:

· Critic: ‘That was embarrassing.’

· Compassion: “That was unpleasant – and I can be kind to myself.’

In psychotherapy, self-compassion is often practised in a targeted manner.

This can include:

· Self-instructions that help to change the inner tone of voice

· Imagination exercises that strengthen a ”compassionate self’

· Journaling, in which vulnerable aspects are addressed in appreciative language

Studies show that self-compassion reduces stress hormones such as cortisol, improves emotion regulation and strengthens resilience. Self-care helps you not to feel inferior, to release inner conflicts and to enter into a more loving relationship with yourself.

In the long term, a new inner dialogue emerges – no longer dominated by the inner critic, but supported by self-acceptance, realism and care, which also leaves room for realistic self-criticism.

Self-esteem and shame

Toxic shame and low self-esteem are closely linked – they are mutually reinforcing. Those who constantly experience themselves as flawed, embarrassing or superfluous can hardly develop a stable sense of their own worth. Conversely, low self-esteem acts as an amplifier for all forms of shame: even minor insecurities or feedback can then be experienced as proof of one's own ‘inadequacy’.

How can I strengthen my self-esteem?

Building healthy self-esteem does not start with external successes, but with your inner relationship with yourself. The following steps have proven effective:

· Self-observation without judgement: Notice your thoughts and feelings without immediately evaluating them · Practise self-acceptance: Accept yourself with your strengths and weaknesses · Appreciate successes: Consciously notice and celebrate even small steps forward · Stand up for yourself: Recognise and express your own needs · Maintain connections: Seek relationships in which you feel seen and accepted

Self-esteem comes from experience – especially from the experience of treating yourself with respect and empathy.

How does shame affect my self-image?

Toxic shame acts like a distorting mirror: it makes us focus on our weaknesses, devalue our strengths and lose sight of the bigger picture. People who are constantly ashamed build up a self-image that is characterised by deficits, guilt and pressure to conform.

Typical consequences are:

· Excessive perfectionism

· Fear of visibility

· Difficulty with praise or intimacy

· Chronic feelings of inner inadequacy

Therapeutic work is about correcting this image – not by exaggerating, but through a sense of reality, compassion and allowing new experiences. Because stable self-esteem does not require perfection – it requires the experience of being okay as a human being with all your facets.

How can thought stopping be used?

Thought stopping is a proven technique from cognitive behavioural therapy that helps to consciously interrupt automatic, negative thought patterns. Especially when working with the inner critic, this method can be a first step towards limiting the power of the disparaging inner voice.

What exactly happens during thought stopping?

Thoughts such as ‘I am worthless,’ ‘I will fail anyway,’ or ‘I must not show myself’ often run automatically. They arise reflexively and seem credible because they are deeply ingrained. Thought stopping helps to consciously perceive these loops – and actively interrupt them.

Practical application:

1. Recognise the triggering thought

In therapy, the first step is to identify typical negative self-talk and how it manifests itself (e.g. through a certain feeling, a physical signal or a recurring situation).

2. Set a stop signal

As soon as the thought is recognised, a clear mental or spoken ‘Stop!’ is uttered. Some people also use an elastic wristband that is snapped lightly as a physical signal to interrupt the thought.

3. Actively introduce a new thought

Immediately afterwards, a realistic, supportive or neutral thought is introduced. For example: ‘I'm feeling insecure right now – and that's understandable.’

4. Practice and repetition

Thought stopping is not a one-off measure, but an exercise in mindfulness and self-management. Through regular use – even outside of therapy sessions – a new response pattern will gradually develop.

Limitations of the method

Thought stopping is no substitute for in-depth work on shame or inner critic structures. However, it is a helpful ‘emergency tool’ for getting out of overwhelming situations and regaining initial self-control. It is most effective when combined with emotion- and relationship-oriented methods.

Thought stopping is therefore not a panacea, but an important tool: it creates a mental breathing space in which a different, kinder inner voice can be heard.

Proven strategies against toxic shame

1. Practise mindfulness

Mindfulness brings you into the moment – without judgement.

Observe your thoughts without reacting to them.

Why this works:

Distancing yourself from your inner critic breaks the automatic loop.

Tool tip: Insight Timer – free app with exercises specifically designed for self-compassion.

2. Formulate realistic self-statements

Replace ‘I am incapable’ with:

‘I had difficulties – and I am learning to deal with them.’

Why it works:

Realism is more credible than blind positivity. It builds new self-images.

3. Activate your support network

Talk to people you see – don't judge them.

Consciously choose contacts who reflect your feelings in a positive way.

Why it works:

Corrective relationship experiences are key to healing toxic shame.

4. Write yourself free

A shame diary helps you recognise and untangle thought patterns.

Use digital tools such as Day One or an analogue notebook.

Why it works:

Writing activates other areas of the brain – emotional distance grows.

5. Small steps – big impact

Each week, choose one small action to counter the voice of your inner critic:

• Speak up

• Show off a project

• Ask for help

Why it works:

Action changes experience – not thinking alone.

What to do if you relapse?

The inner critic is persistent. Even if you make progress, it will sometimes reappear – loud, harsh, discouraging.

Typical triggers for relapse:

• Stress or exhaustion

• New challenges

• Old triggers (e.g. family, conflicts)

What helps in such moments:

• Remember: ‘The critic is speaking because something is important to me.’

• Breathe: Take three deep breaths into your belly – exhale twice as long as you inhale.

• Write: ‘What would my compassionate self say now?’

• Talk: Get honest feedback.

Conclusion: Understanding shame means helping yourself

Toxic shame acts like an inner shadow – it distorts your self-image and dampens your zest for life. Your inner critic speaks its language. But you can learn to recognise and transform this shadow.

What you have learned

• Toxic shame develops early on – but it is not unchangeable

• The inner critic feeds on old voices and internalised judgements

• With mindfulness, compassion, clarity and action, you can disempower it bit by bit

• Tools such as journaling, self-compassion and concrete steps can help

• Relapses are normal – but they are not a step backwards.

And now

Choose a small, achievable step. Write down three sentences that your compassionate self would say today.

Because self-worth does not come from judgement – it comes from your relationship with yourself.

Q

How does psychotherapy help overcome toxic shame?

Psychotherapy is a key way to not only understand toxic shame intellectually, but also to transform it emotionally. The therapeutic relationship creates a safe space where people can show themselves – with everything that hurts, shames or unsettles them. For the first time, they can experience that: I am not devalued when I am vulnerable. I am seen, heard and held.

Psychotherapy fulfils several functions in this process:

· Reflection: Therapists help to differentiate between inner voices – between the true self and the inner critic. · Validation: Feelings of shame are taken seriously and not trivialised. The feeling is recognised as a meaningful expression of previous experiences. · Reparative relationship experience: The therapeutic relationship offers a new relationship experience in which compassion dominates rather than judgement. · Self-reassessment: Clients learn to question old beliefs (e.g. ‘I am not lovable’) and develop more realistic self-images.

Which therapeutic approaches are effective?

There are various therapeutic methods that have proven effective in working with toxic shame and inner criticism. It is important that the form of therapy addresses both the cognitive and emotional levels, as toxic shame is not located in the mind, but in the body and in relationship experiences.

1. Schema therapy

Schema therapy combines approaches from cognitive behavioural therapy, Gestalt therapy and attachment theory. It is particularly well suited for people with deep-rooted shame and guilt structures. Working with so-called ‘modes’, the inner critic, the wounded child and healthy parts are made visible. The aim is to establish new inner attitudes such as care, protection and self-acceptance.

Typical methods used here include:

· Chair dialogues

· Imagination exercises

· Journaling with different parts of the self

2. ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

ACT is based on the principle of not fighting stressful thoughts and feelings, but accepting them – while at the same time shaping a value-based life. In relation to toxic shame, this means that shame is allowed to be there, but it does not determine how I act.

ACT strengthens:

· Mindfulness

· Clarification of values

· Psychological flexibility

3. CBASP – Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy

CBASP was developed specifically for chronically depressed people and takes into account the effects of early relationship trauma. The focus is on interpersonal learning experiences: clients learn to experience themselves as effective, engaged and not shameful in the therapeutic relationship.

CBASP is particularly suitable for:

· chronic shame

· persistent tendencies to withdraw

· feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

4. Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT assumes that emotions are the basis of psychological change. Toxic shame is seen here as a secondary, inhibiting emotion, often underlying primary, adaptive emotions such as sadness, anger or fear. In therapy, these layers are made accessible through careful process guidance.

The aim is to release blocked emotions and give new meaning to inner experiences.

5. Body psychotherapy methods

Since shame is strongly anchored in the body, it can be helpful to work directly with the body. Methods such as somatic experiencing, focusing or breath therapy help to release stored tension and strengthen the body's self. Working with posture, movement or non-verbal expression can also enable shame transformation.

All of the approaches mentioned above aim not only to ‘understand’ toxic shame, but to work through it in a profound way – cognitively, emotionally, relationally and physically. The important thing is not the method itself, but how well it suits the individual, their history and their pace. Good therapy takes time.

What happens in a psychotherapy session?

Many people do not know exactly what to expect in a psychotherapy session – especially when it comes to such intimate and shame-laden topics as self-esteem, vulnerability and inner criticism. However, a session is not a place of judgement, but a space for encounter: with oneself, with one's own history and with a benevolent, professional companion.

Basic structure of a session

A therapy session is often divided into three phases:

1. Arrival – The introduction serves to build trust. The aim is to create space for what is important or stressful at the moment. 2. Deepening – In this main part, we explore together: Which patterns are repeating themselves? Which emotions are present? Which inner voices are speaking? 3. Integration and outlook – At the end of the session, we reflect on what has been touched upon or recognised. Possible exercises, observation tasks or empowering thoughts accompany you on your way out.

What becomes possible in the session

· Naming: Feelings such as shame, fear or anger are put into words. · Feeling: Emotions can be felt physically and emotionally without becoming overwhelming. · Understanding: Connections between current patterns and past experiences become clear. · Change: New perspectives, attitudes and scope for action emerge.

Attitude of the therapist

An essential factor is not the method, but the attitude: authentic, empathetic, attentive. Good therapy is not an external analysis, but a joint search process – based on respect and trust.

In working with toxic shame, the relationship plays a particularly important role. This is because many clients are convinced that if they show themselves, they will be rejected. The experience of being accepted in the therapeutic space – especially with what one rejects about oneself – has a healing effect. Step by step, an inner counterweight to the old critic emerges: a relationship that supports, strengthens and connects.