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Is your relationship over? 10 signs that indicate a broken partnership.
10 signs of a broken relationship: When is a partnership really over?
Can your relationship still be saved, or should you leave? Many couples ask themselves this agonising question without recognising the typical signs of a failed relationship. This article shows you the scientifically proven warning signs that indicate the end of a relationship – and explains when couples therapy can still help and when separation or divorce is the healthier option.
What it's about:
New research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
the exact "point of no return" in failing relationships
Which signs indicate a broken relationship
Understanding what stage your relationship is in – and whether it's still worth fighting for.
1. How can I tell if my relationship is over?
The end of a relationship rarely comes out of the blue. It usually develops gradually over months or years. The crucial question is: Are you still in a phase where the relationship can be saved, or have you already passed the point where going your separate ways is the healthier option?
Research shows that measurable patterns herald the end of your relationship. Both partners often experience different realities: while one has already moved on emotionally, the other is still fighting for the relationship. This asymmetry makes it so difficult to assess the relationship's actual state realistically.
A clear sign that a relationship is in trouble is the way both partners communicate with each other – or rather, no longer communicate with each other. If fundamental issues are systematically avoided, this indicates deeper problems that are not being adequately addressed.
2. The 10 signs of a broken relationship
Not all signs of a broken relationship are equally alarming. Some are early warning signs, while others signal the inevitable end of the relationship. Here are the ten signs that are best supported by science:
Signs 1–3: The early warning signs. You live side by side instead of together. Many couples describe this feeling as "being more roommates than partners." Intimacy – both emotional and physical – decreases significantly. Conversations remain superficial, while deep emotional connections are lacking. This phase is part of every relationship, but it becomes a warning sign when it persists.
Signs 4–6: The critical phase. Constant arguing or – even more dangerous – a complete lack of conflict. When couples stop arguing, it often means indifference rather than harmony. Both partners no longer invest their energy in the relationship, but in their own needs and areas of life. Shared visions of the future become blurred or fade away altogether.
Signs 7–10: The point of no return. Contempt is the strongest sign of a broken relationship – even stronger than anger or arguments. When infidelity or feelings for a third person come into play, this is often already a symptom, not the cause of the relationship crisis. The clearest sign: the idea of a separation feels like relief, not loss. At this point, the relationship is truly over.
3. How can I tell that my partner has already left me emotionally?
One of the most painful signs of a failed relationship is the emotional absence of one partner. While you still believe in the partnership, the other person has already mentally ended the relationship.
The partner who has already left emotionally typically exhibits the following behaviour: they increasingly plan their life without you, speak in terms of "I" instead of "we" and withdraw emotionally. This partner has often already gone through the grieving process while the relationship still formally exists. This explains why some people get "over it" surprisingly quickly after a break-up – they have already done the emotional work.
For the partner who is left behind, this feels like a shock. This is an obvious sign that the relationship is over. Both partners often realise this at entirely different times. This discrepancy is one of the most hurtful signs that a relationship is failing.
4. Lack of communication: when couples stop talking to each other
In a healthy relationship, both partners can speak openly about problems without fear of escalation or withdrawal. When this ability to communicate with each other is lost, it is a serious warning sign.
Lack of communication manifests itself in different ways: superficial everyday conversations replace deep connections. Conflicts are no longer addressed because "it doesn't help anyway". Both partners no longer know what is really going on in each other's lives. This silence often creeps in unnoticed and becomes the new normal.
The paradox is that many unhappy couples do not argue that much – they simply no longer talk about what is really important. They avoid complex topics, do not address their own needs, and no longer create space for genuine encounters. If you are no longer able to solve problems because you cannot even name them, this is a clear sign of a broken relationship.
5. Lack of intimacy and emotional distance
Intimacy is more than just sex – it's about emotional closeness, vulnerability and the feeling of being truly seen by your partner. When this intimacy disappears, a fundamental element of the partnership breaks down.
The loss of intimacy usually develops gradually. First, physical contact becomes less frequent and more mechanical. Tenderness disappears from everyday life. Sex, if it still happens, feels obligatory. But even more disturbing is the loss of emotional intimacy: both partners no longer share their fears, dreams and vulnerabilities.
This distance can even become psychosomatically noticeable. Some people report physical symptoms such as tension or nausea when they are near their partner – the body signals what the mind does not yet want to admit. When a relationship begins to falter, the loss of intimacy is often one of the first clear signs.
6. Is constant arguing a sign that the relationship is ending?
The answer is complicated: too much arguing is destructive, but too little can be even more dangerous. The decisive factor is not whether you argue, but how you argue – and whether you still have the energy to fight for the relationship.
Destructive arguing follows specific patterns: contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and criticism of the person (not the behaviour). When arguing becomes the norm and every conversation escalates, it indicates deep cracks in the relationship. Even more problematic is when both partners are unable to reconcile after an argument and instead allow the hurt feelings to accumulate.
But the most dangerous sign is often the opposite: when couples stop arguing because they have given up. "Why should I even bother discussing it? Nothing will change anyway." This sentence often marks the beginning of the end. The emotional indifference behind this attitude is one of the most reliable signs of an impending break-up.
7. Unhappy in your relationship: leave or stay?
The most agonising question in an unhappy relationship is: should I fight for it or let it go? The answer depends on what stage of decline your relationship is in.
Leave or stay? This decision requires brutal honesty. Ask yourself: Are you willing to really invest in the partnership – not just out of fear of being alone, but out of a genuine belief that the relationship is worth it? Is your partner also willing to work on the relationship? Are there still moments of authentic connection, love and appreciation between you?
If most signs indicate that a relationship is over, separation is the most courageous and healthy step to take. This does not mean failure – it means acknowledging reality. Prolonging an unhappy marriage or relationship simply because one is afraid of change serves no one.
8. When can couples therapy save a marriage?
Couples therapy is not a miracle cure, but it can save a relationship under certain conditions. The decisive factor is the timing of seeking help.
Research clearly shows that the earlier couples go to therapy, the better the chances of success. If both partners are still willing to invest, if there are still remnants of love and respect, if the problems are specific and addressable, then professional guidance can make all the difference. Couples therapy helps to improve communication patterns, process old hurts and find new ways of connecting.
But couples therapy cannot save a relationship if one or both partners have already checked out emotionally. If contempt has become the basic emotion, if a lack of trust makes every gesture suspicious, if the relationship is broken to the core, then therapy is often just end-of-life care. And even that can be valuable: facilitating a respectful separation is often the best contribution therapy can make.
9. The science behind the end of a relationship: the exact point of no return
New research findings from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology have identified for the first time the exact point at which a relationship can no longer be saved. Psychologists Janina Bühler and Ulrich Orth accompanied thousands of couples over the course of decades and discovered a frighteningly consistent pattern.
The two-phase model of relationship endings
The researchers describe what they call "terminal decline" – a term that initially comes from thanatopsychology and describes psychological disintegration before death. Appropriately, because relationships do not die suddenly either, but go through a measurable dying process.
Phase 1: Pre-terminal decline
The first phase is a slow bleeding out of the quality of the relationship. Minor frustrations accumulate, doubts creep in, emotional distance develops – but none of this feels like a crisis. This phase can last for months or even years.
Couples then say things like, "It's just not as good as it used to be," or, "We're more like roommates than partners." Relationship satisfaction declines continuously, but gradually enough that both partners often normalise or rationalise it.
Phase 2: The terminal decline
Then, somewhere between 7 months and 2.3 years before the actual separation, the relationship undergoes a transition. From this point on, the decline accelerates dramatically. Satisfaction plummets, and from this moment on, the relationship is effectively over – even if the formal separation does not take place until months later.
The asymmetrical perception in detail
One of the most revealing findings of the study concerns the different perceptions of both partners. The person who initiates the break-up often begins the process of emotional detachment months or even years before their partner. The other partner, on the other hand, usually remains relatively satisfied until the relationship suddenly implodes.
A partner who has already left emotionally goes through a grieving process while the relationship is still intact. They may have already played out scenarios of life after the break-up, redirected emotional energy to other areas, mentally said goodbye to shared plans for the future, and already shifted their identity from "we" to "I".
Meanwhile, the partner who is "left behind" is still in a completely different reality. They may be planning their next holiday, thinking about which sofa to buy together, or worrying about their joint retirement provisions. This discrepancy explains why breakups come as a bolt from the blue for one partner, while the other says, "I've been trying to talk to you about this for months."
The critical break: when intervention still helps
The most crucial practical finding of this research concerns the time window for effective measures. The researchers make a clear distinction between the two phases and show when a break-up can still be averted and when letting go is the healthier option.
The pre-terminal phase: this is when it's worth fighting
In the early phase of decline – when relationship satisfaction is slowly declining – couples still have a realistic chance of saving the relationship if they take action. Couples therapy, conscious relationship work, and the implementation of new communication and conflict-resolution strategies can still be effective at this stage.
Warning signs in this phase:
Routines replace spontaneity.
Conversations remain superficial.
Sexual intimacy becomes less frequent or mechanical.
Joint activities become less frequent or feel like a chore.
Specific topics are systematically avoided.
Trust dwindles.
The terminal phase: when letting go is healthier
After the critical transition point, when satisfaction drops sharply, a recovery of the relationship becomes statistically unlikely. At this point, there is nothing left to repair – all that remains is to wait it out.
This is an uncomfortable truth that is often avoided in therapeutic work. Our culture is firmly fixated on "saving relationships," and many therapists also tacitly pursue staying together. But sometimes the most professional and helpful intervention is to help a couple separate amicably.
What the research does NOT say
Misconception 1: The length of the relationship is crucial.
Research shows that it is not how long you have been together that matters, but how close you are to the end. A relationship after two years may be in the pre-terminal phase, while one after 20 years may already be in terminal decline.
Misconception 2: There is a universal "expiry date".
The time spans (7 months to 2.3 years before separation) are averages across many relationships. Your specific relationship may have a different timeline. The patterns are more important than the exact time frames. The signs of terminal decline prove more than the precise time spans.
Misconception 3: There is nothing you can do.
The opposite is true. Research identifies clear windows of opportunity for intervention and helps couples make realistic assessments of their situation: whether the relationship can be saved and when separation is the healthier path.
The role of general life satisfaction
A fascinating side finding of the study: overall life satisfaction does not decline to the same extent as relationship satisfaction during a relationship decline. People begin – consciously or unconsciously – to prepare for life after the relationship while the relationship is still formally in place.
This explains why many people function surprisingly reliably shortly after a break-up. They have already made the emotional transition while they were still together. The formal separation is then often more of a relief than a disaster.
10. Practical steps: What you can do now
If you recognise several signs of a broken relationship in yourself, the question arises: what now? Here are some concrete action options, depending on the phase your partnership is in.
For relationships in the early stages: Seek dialogue before it is too late. Speak openly about your dissatisfaction without making accusations. Establish regular relationship check-ins. Consciously invest time and energy in your partnership. Consider preventive couples therapy before the crisis escalates. Create new shared experiences and ritual moments of connection.
For relationships at a critical transition point: Be radically honest about the current state of your relationship. Seek professional help if you are both still willing to fight for it. Identify specific, addressable problems instead of vague dissatisfaction. Set a clear boundary: how long are you willing to work on the relationship before making a decision?
For relationships in terminal decline: Accept that a happy relationship can only develop where you end an unhappy one. Seek support for a respectful separation. Do not stay out of fear or habit. Plan how you can go your separate ways without hurting each other. If children are involved, focus on their well-being.
If your relationship shows these signs: A self-test
To understand whether what is happening in your relationship is still a normal fluctuation or already severe signs of a broken relationship, answer the following questions honestly:
1. Do you feel unhappy in the relationship, even on days when there is no acute conflict?
2. Do you regularly imagine what your life would be like without your partner?
3. Have you stopped talking about your dreams and fears?
4. Do you consciously avoid intimacy with your partner?
5. Does the idea of a break-up feel like a relief?
6. Have you stopped arguing, not because everything is fine, but because it is no longer worth it?
7. Do you invest your emotional energy mainly outside the relationship?
8. Do you feel contempt or indifference towards your partner?
9. Do you no longer have any plans for a future together?
10. Has one of you already checked out emotionally?
If you answered 'yes' to more than half of these questions, your relationship shows clear signs of ultimate failure. It is then very likely that your relationship is in serious trouble.
Cultural narratives and realistic expectations
Our culture tells us stories of relationships that "fight for it" and "overcome all odds". These narratives are romantic, but not always helpful for a realistic assessment of what really happens in a partnership.
The problem with "giving up is not an option."
The idea that you should never give up becomes toxic when it keeps couples in destructive relationships or prevents them from accepting the natural life cycle of their relationship. Not every relationship is meant to last until death. And that's okay.
Successful breakups are also successes.
A relationship that worked well for five years and then ended is not a failure. It had a limited but valuable lifespan. The absolute failure lies in staying in a dead relationship for too long, going through a destructive breakup, learning nothing from the relationship, or demonising your ex-partner.
Summary: The most important points at a glance
The 10 signs of a broken relationship:
You live side by side instead of together.
Intimacy (emotional and physical) has disappeared.
Communication is superficial or non-existent.
Constant destructive arguments or complete avoidance of conflict.
Contempt has become the basic emotion.
One or both partners have already left emotionally.
No more shared visions of the future.
You do not miss the relationship when you are apart.
Feelings for other people arise.
Separation feels like a relief.
Scientific findings:
Relationships end in two phases: pre-terminal (slow) and terminal (rapid) decline.
The critical transition point is 7–23 months before the break-up.
Both partners often experience the end at different times and asymmetrically.
There is a clear window of opportunity during which intervention remains effective.
After the point of no return, a break-up is often healthier than continuing to fight.
Options for action:
Early detection is crucial – don't wait until it's too late.
Couples therapy works best in the early stages.
Be honest: what stage are you at?
Not every relationship needs to or should be saved.
A respectful separation is better than a broken marriage.
When to leave, when to stay:
Stay: If both partners are willing to invest, if respect and affection still exist, and if the problems are specific, they can be addressed.
Leave: If contempt dominates, one partner is already emotionally gone, and the separation has already occurred.
The question is not "How long have you been together?" but "How close are you to breaking up?"
The most important insight: the end of a relationship is not automatically a failure. Sometimes it is the bravest and healthiest decision to accept a possible end and strike out in new directions. Prolonging an unhappy marriage or partnership just because you are afraid of change does no one any good – neither you nor your partner.
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