Cheated and everything better after the affair
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A recent survey shows that many couples stay together after an affair, and some find their relationship is actually better afterwards. What infidelity means today, why an affair doesn’t have to spell the end of a relationship, and what both partners should know.
Better off after cheating? What the new study on infidelity and affairs reveals
Infidelity is often seen as the end of a relationship. A major study from 2026 paints a different picture. Amongst couples who work to repair their relationship after an affair, the majority stay together, and some find their relationship is actually better afterwards. This article puts the new study into context, uses German surveys to show what is actually considered cheating today, and outlines what both partners should know after an affair.
What did the new study on infidelity find?
The study, published in the *Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy*, was conducted by psychologist Kathy Nickerson and a team that included the renowned relationship researcher John Gottman. Over 3,400 people affected by infidelity were surveyed: 1,151 had had an affair themselves, whilst 2,278 had been cheated on. The key finding: 76 per cent of those who had been unfaithful ended the affair and stayed with their original partner. 79 per cent of those who had been cheated on were still with their partner at the time of the survey.
The most significant finding relates to how the experience was interpreted. Around 70 per cent of those who had been unfaithful and 36 per cent of those who had been cheated on stated that their relationship was better after the affair than it had been before. Among those who had been unfaithful, continued love for their original partner was the strongest predictor of staying together. 73 per cent reported having felt remorse even whilst the affair was ongoing. Among those who had been cheated on, reparative actions were the best predictor of staying together: answering questions, completely cutting off contact with the person involved in the affair, and showing emotional affection.
These figures contradict the popular narrative that an affair proves love has died. People can love their partner and cheat on them at the same time; they can regret the affair whilst it is happening; and they can find a more sustainable relationship after the crisis.
What actually counts as infidelity these days?
What counts as cheating is changing. A 2024 survey by the dating app Parship and the market research institute Innofact shows that Germans have become more tolerant of cheating. Whilst in 2018, 97 per cent still regarded a long-term affair as infidelity, by 2024 this figure had fallen to just 85 per cent. One-night stands were regarded as cheating by 82 per cent rather than 96 per cent, whilst kissing someone outside the relationship was seen as cheating by just 57 per cent rather than 81 per cent.
The shift is particularly evident in digital grey areas. Simply signing up to dating apps was regarded as infidelity by 87 per cent in 2018, but by only 63 per cent in 2024. There is a divide between the sexes here: a majority of men do not regard signing up as cheating, whilst 71 per cent of women do indeed see it as a breach of trust. Age also plays a role. Younger respondents often take a stricter view on this than older ones.
For couples, this has practical implications. When definitions of infidelity differ, arguments often arise from unspoken differences in boundaries even before anything happens. What one partner considers cheating – such as flirting or an ambiguous chat – may be harmless to the other. Discussing where one’s own boundaries regarding exclusivity lie can prevent a situation from escalating.
Who cheats more often – and why?
The 2020 ElitePartner study provides reliable figures for Germany. According to the study, just under one in three people have been unfaithful at some point. The trend among the sexes is striking: amongst women, the proportion of those who had been unfaithful at least once rose from 19 per cent (2012) to 31 per cent (2020), whilst amongst men it stood at 27 per cent. In the 30s age group, as many as 39 per cent of women stated that they had cheated on their partner, compared with 25 per cent of men of the same age.
The rise among women is often attributed to emancipation and greater sexual autonomy. Women are more financially independent, their sexuality is less stigmatised, and opportunities have multiplied with the digitalisation of dating. Infidelity is therefore primarily determined by opportunity, dissatisfaction and inhibitions – factors that affect both genders – rather than by gender itself.
The reasons for having an affair are rarely purely sexual in nature. Frequently cited reasons include emotional distance, the feeling of no longer being seen within the relationship, a search for validation and boredom. For many, infidelity begins gradually: a study on infidelity found that for one in four women, cheating begins as early as the flirting stage, long before it becomes physical.
Why should one interpret the figures from the new study with caution?
As remarkable as the findings of the Nickerson study are, they do have one limitation, which the authors themselves point out. The participants were recruited via social media channels by professionals specialising in dealing with affairs. The survey, therefore, involved a group that was already highly motivated to heal. The high reconciliation rates apply to this group, not to all couples.
Added to this is a selection bias known as ‘survivorship bias’. Only couples who were still together at the time of the study could be surveyed. Those whose relationship broke down as a result of the affair no longer complete the questionnaire. The most painful outcomes are excluded from the statistics, which makes the picture seem more hopeful than the reality of affairs would suggest.
A third point concerns the nature of the survey. It is a snapshot, not a representative long-term observation. Many respondents were still in the midst of the healing process; their assessment may change. ‘Better after the affair’ therefore describes a retrospective self-assessment by a specific group and is not suitable as a prognosis.
Can a relationship really improve after an affair?
Experience supports the possibility, but we cannot declare it the rule without further evidence. An affair is often the symptom of a prolonged estrangement: unspoken disappointments, avoided conflicts, a distance that nobody acknowledges. Its discovery forces what has been kept hidden to the surface. What was previously smouldering beneath the surface becomes a topic of discussion, and some couples have long-overdue conversations for the first time in years.
In this sense, the crisis can act as a catalyst. It shatters an illusion of stability based on avoidance and forces a confrontation that either leads to a split or to a renewed bond. Couples who weather this process sometimes report greater honesty and a more conscious commitment to one another than before the crisis.
This interpretation has a limitation that must be taken seriously. It does not follow from the fact that ‘some couples grow through the crisis’ that an affair is a sensible path to improvement. The price is trauma for the betrayed partner, which can trigger symptoms similar to those of a stress-related disorder: rumination, sleep disturbances, and a deeply shaken sense of security. Growth is a possible outcome, not an end in itself.
What helps couples heal after an affair?
The study identifies the actions associated with couples staying together, and these align with what couples therapists have long observed. First and foremost is the complete severing of the affair. As long as this connection persists, trust cannot grow. The wound remains open.
Secondly, there is transparency and a willingness to answer questions. The betrayed partner needs a coherent picture of what has happened. One notable finding is that full disclosure down to the last detail was not necessary in every case. Sometimes, the unvarnished abundance of facts exacerbates agonising rumination, and partial disclosure combined with strong emotional support proved to be an equally viable approach. Couples therapy helps to strike this balance.
Thirdly, there is the ongoing emotional healing: affection, taking the other person’s feelings seriously, and reliability over the long term. Trust is restored through many small experiences that demonstrate the partner’s reliability. A one-off confession is not enough for this. This process takes months or even years.
Why can external support make healing more difficult?
A surprising finding from the study concerns the social environment: betrayed partners who received more support from family and friends were less likely to stay in the relationship. The explanation lies in this support. Those close to the victim often react to an affair with protective outrage and advise a break-up. This well-meaning taking sides reinforces doubts about staying.
For those affected, this serves as a warning to exercise caution. Anyone still trying to reach their own decision would do well to distinguish between people who help them weigh up their options and those who want to decide for them. Those closest to them understand the pain, but rarely know the full story of the relationship.
This is where professional support has an advantage. Couples’ or individual therapy provides a space where the decision is not pre-empted. It helps the affected person find their own clarity without dictating the decision to them.
When is a break-up the healthier option?
The study should not be interpreted as a call to save every relationship at any cost. There are situations in which staying together is harmful. If infidelity is part of a pattern of devaluation, control and manipulation; if the unfaithful partner refuses to take responsibility, fails to break off contact or shifts the blame, the foundation for healing is lacking.
Repeated infidelity accompanied by continued trivialisation also falls into this category. Trust can be painstakingly rebuilt after a single breach. After numerous instances of infidelity with no sign of change, the effort becomes a form of self-deception. And if the betrayed partner remains permanently trapped in mistrust and pain despite serious efforts, a break-up may be the healthier option.
The decision remains a personal one. What the study contributes is relief from a rigid script. Neither is separation after an affair a necessity, nor is staying together a sign of weakness.
What does this mean for our view of monogamy and fidelity?
The public narrative surrounding affairs is heavily moralised and divided into clear roles: here the culprit, there the victim, and in between the inevitable end. This narrative offers comfort by creating order, yet it fails to capture the reality of many couples. People are more contradictory than the script allows: they love and hurt, regret and repeat, stay and grow.
At the same time, our understanding of monogamy itself is changing. The growing tolerance reflected in opinion polls, the interest in more open forms of relationship, and the debate surrounding exclusivity show that the rigid norm of lifelong sexual fidelity is becoming less of a given. This does not make infidelity harmless, but it shifts the question from ‘allowed or forbidden’ to ‘what did we actually agree on?’.
A more dispassionate view does not take away from the pain and responsibility associated with infidelity. It creates space to ask what really happened in a specific relationship and what remains possible. This is precisely the approach that helps in therapy: curiosity about the individual story rather than a hasty judgment based on general rules.
Key points at a glance
• A study involving over 3,400 people affected (Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 2026) found that 76 per cent of those who had been unfaithful and 79 per cent of those who had been cheated on stayed with their original partner.
• Around 70 per cent of those who had been unfaithful and 36 per cent of those who had been cheated on felt that their relationship was better after the affair. Enduring love and reparative actions were the strongest predictors.
• What counts as infidelity is changing: according to Parship/Innofact, by 2024, only 85 per cent will still regard a long-term affair as cheating (2018: 97 per cent). One-night stands and signing up to dating apps are also viewed with greater tolerance.
• The 2020 ElitePartner study shows that just under one in three people have been unfaithful; among women, the proportion rose to 31 per cent, often attributed to women’s liberation and changing opportunities.
• The high reconciliation rates in the new study should be interpreted with caution: the survey targeted a group motivated to heal, and survivor bias excludes failed relationships.
• What helps: a complete break-off of contact, honest answers without overwhelming details, and sustained emotional healing. A break-up may be the healthier option if infidelity is part of a pattern of devaluation or is a recurring issue.
Sources
ElitePartner 2020 study on infidelity in relationships (Statista)
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