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Growth after trauma requires neither forgiveness nor reconciliation. The dangerous nonsense about ways to heal from traumatic injuries through inner peace and reconciliation with the perpetrator.

Forgiveness and Forgiving After Trauma: Why Reconciliation Does Not Have to Be Part of Healing

The socially and religiously charged demand to forgive puts survivors of trauma under enormous pressure.

What it's about:

·         Why forgiveness should be understood as an inner process of letting go of resentment, regardless of whether reconciliation with the perpetrator is possible or occurs.

·         How psychology distinguishes between inner forgiveness and interpersonal reconciliation

·         Why this distinction is crucial for trauma recovery, and

·         How you can find your own path to inner peace without feeling morally pressured.

What does forgiveness really mean, and what does it not mean?

The terms "forgive" and "make up" are often used interchangeably in English. Still, in psychology, forgiveness refers to a specific inner process: the conscious letting go of feelings of revenge and negative emotions towards someone who has hurt us. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay. It does not mean that we should forget. And it certainly does not mean that we have to restore our relationship with the perpetrator.

Psychology now knows that forgiveness is primarily a decision we make for ourselves, a renunciation of revenge and lasting bitterness to move on with our lives. It is about letting go of the emotional and psychological burdens that prevent us from living fulfilling lives. This form of forgiveness can occur regardless of whether the perpetrator shows remorse, apologises, or is even still alive.

However, forgiveness should never be a moral obligation. The socially emphasised expectation to forgive, especially in a Christian context, can become an additional burden for those affected. When forgiveness is considered divine and not forgiving is interpreted as a sign of weakness, harmful pressure arises that hinders rather than promotes healing.

Forgiveness vs. reconciliation: the crucial difference

This is the crux of the misunderstanding: forgiving and pardoning are internal processes that occur within us. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is an interpersonal process that requires both sides. It is possible to have completely forgiven someone without ever speaking to them again. It is possible to regain one's peace of mind without reconciliation.

This distinction is crucial for people who have had traumatic experiences. A systemic therapist I work with sums it up this way: "Reconciliation requires reciprocity, equality and acceptance of responsibility. In many cases of trauma, abuse, violence and narcissistic exploitation, these conditions are never met." In such cases, expecting reconciliation would not only be unrealistic, but potentially traumatising again.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are therefore two completely different processes. The first serves our inner peace; the second shapes our external relationships. Only the first is necessary for mental health; the second is voluntary and, in many cases, even harmful.

Why is forgiveness so difficult psychologically?

Thoughts of revenge fulfil an important function: they give us a temporary sense of control and justice in a situation that made us feel powerless. Research shows that most people would rather forgive than take revenge, yet many associate forgiveness with grief and fear. Why?

Because forgiving means relinquishing power, those who forgive accept that a debt may never be repaid. In the case of trauma, this is particularly significant: the injured person must acknowledge that fairness and justice have not been served, and that they must integrate this injustice within themselves without waiting for external redress. This is an enormous emotional task.

The neurobiological aspect compounds this: when we feel hurt, the amygdala triggers the stress response. Cortisol is released, and the sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive. Long-term resentment keeps this system constantly alert, with all the negative health consequences that entail, from cardiovascular disease to depression. People who cannot forgive themselves or others tend to be more depressed and have a higher risk of illness.

Is forgiveness even possible or sensible in cases of trauma?

In most cases, growth after trauma does not depend on reconciliation with the perpetrator. On the contrary, reconciliation is often not advisable, especially if the perpetrator shows no remorse or there is no prospect of behavioural change. Nevertheless, working on inner forgiveness can help those affected to start each day without the burden of trauma, anger and fear.

So the most critical question is not "Should you forgive?" but "Do you want to continue carrying the emotional burden of this hurt?" Forgiveness here is not for moral purification, but for liberation from a burden that prevents us from building healthy relationships and leading a fulfilling life. Whether forgiveness can succeed in the case of trauma depends mainly on how we define forgiveness: as a compulsion to reconcile, it is often impossible and harmful. As an inner process of letting go, it can be healing.

Which phase of forgiveness is relevant for trauma victims?

The process of forgiveness does not proceed in a straight line but in a spiral. First, we must fully express our emotions, feel them, and allow ourselves to experience anger, grief, and disappointment. Many people want to skip this step and move straight on to letting go. But superficial, insincere forgiveness does not lead to real healing.

During the emotional processing phase, it is essential to talk about what happened, either with a therapist, a trusted person, or even in the form of a letter that is never sent. Talking about it puts the unbearable into words and helps to regulate the intensity of the emotions. This step is accompanied in detail in psychotherapy, especially in cases of complex trauma.

The second critical phase is understanding the circumstances. This does not mean justifying the act, but understanding why it happened. This often helps to take the act less personally. The third phase concerns safety: those affected must have sufficient certainty that the injury will not recur. This can be achieved through distancing, breaking off contact or therapeutic work. Only then can the fourth phase, the actual letting go, take place.

Do I have to forgive to stay mentally healthy?

No, and this clarification is essential. Psychology has no evidence that all people must, without exception, forgive to be healthy. What is true, however, is that lasting resentment, constant thoughts of revenge and compulsive brooding over injustices experienced are harmful to mental and physical health.

The healthy option is not necessarily forgiveness, but acceptance: acknowledging that something terrible has happened that cannot be undone. This form of quiet acceptance, which some call quiet forgiveness, differs from active forgiveness in that it does not require emotional work on the perpetrator's part, but merely involves developing an attitude toward one's own circumstances.

Some people find inner peace even without explicitly working on forgiveness by realigning their lives, building self-love and self-esteem, and simply giving less space to what happened in their psyche. Forgiveness is one possible path to healing, but it is not the only one. Those who feel pressured to forgive should be allowed to assess whether this path is the right one for them.

Why does society so strongly demand forgiveness?

The demand to forgive is deeply rooted in religious and cultural narratives. In Christianity, for example, forgiveness is considered the most essential virtue: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." This religiously charged morality has long since become secularised. It permeates our everyday language: the saying "to err is human, to forgive is divine" suggests that not forgiving makes us worse people.

These socially mediated expectations can become a double burden for victims of violence and abuse. In addition to the trauma itself, there is the feeling of moral failure when one is "unable" to forgive. Women in particular are traditionally expected to be more willing to forgive and be considerate, which can be dangerous in harmful or violent relationships.

From a psychological perspective, this social expectation is questionable because it reinterprets forgiveness as an inner process rather than a moral duty. However, forgiveness should not be something we do to be considered good people, but rather a tool we can use for ourselves when it serves us. Resolving this moral exaggeration is integral to trauma-conscious work.

How do I distinguish genuine remorse from a deceptive apology?

An important question when considering whether reconciliation is possible is whether the perpetrator shows remorse. Genuine remorse is reflected in tangible changes in behaviour, not just words. A perpetrator who truly repents takes responsibility, apologises without "buts", and, over time, shows through their behaviour that they have changed.

Manipulative apologies, on the other hand, may even include blaming the victim ("You made me do it"), trivialising the offence ("It wasn't that bad") or emotional blackmail ("If you really love me, you'll forgive me"). An apology that mainly serves to minimise one's own guilt or put pressure on the person who has been hurt is not genuine remorse.

In narcissistic or psychopathic relationship patterns, genuine remorse is absent. What is shown is feigned remorse, which serves only to maintain the relationship (and thus the possibility of further exploitation). Particular caution is required here: reconciliation without genuine change only leads to repeated hurt. Therapy helps people learn to recognise these differences and develop respect for their own boundaries.

Can I forgive without reconciling, and is that okay?

Yes, and it is not only okay, but often the healthiest choice. Inner forgiveness (silent forgiveness) can take place completely independently of interpersonal reconciliation. You can forgive someone in your heart while deciding never to see that person again.

This distinction is crucial in cases of trauma caused by caregivers: an adult who was abused by a parent in childhood can indeed find inner peace without ever reconnecting with that parent. Letting go of the emotional burden happens internally; there is no need for an external encounter with the perpetrator.

Some people even report that true forgiveness only became possible after they ended their connection with the perpetrator. The constant re-traumatisation caused by continued contact prevented the healing process. Only physical and emotional distance made it possible to process the wounds and reach a point where thoughts of revenge no longer dominated everyday life. Forgiveness without reconciliation is not only justified but also often the only safe way forward.

What if I don't want to forgive? Does that make me a worse person?

No. The decision not to forgive can be a conscious, self-protective and psychologically healthy choice. Some acts are so serious that forgiveness feels wrong, and this feeling is valid. Anger and distancing can fulfil critical protective functions, especially in situations where there is a risk of repeated harm.

The idea that not forgiving makes us worse people is a moral judgment that stems from religious contexts but is not psychologically tenable. What matters is your own well-being: if you find holding on to resentment burdensome, if it prevents you from forming new relationships or feeling joy, then forgiveness work may be beneficial. However, if you are at peace with the situation, even without having explicitly "forgiven", that is perfectly fine.

Some people come to terms with the situation by reframing the experience: they no longer see themselves primarily as victims, but as survivors who have learned something important about the depths of human depravity. These processes of reinterpretation can also lead to peace of mind even without conventional forgiveness. There are many paths to healing; forgiveness is one of them, but it is not a must.

How can I begin to forgive if I want to?

Once you have decided that forgiveness work could be beneficial for you, begin by talking to someone you trust about your hurt. This could be a therapist, a friend or a family member. Talking makes the unspeakable speakable and reduces the emotional charge.

Then, honestly consider whether reconciliation would be beneficial at all, or whether it would do more harm than good. Has the perpetrator shown remorse? Have they changed their behaviour? Or would a rapprochement only lead to further hurt? If the latter is the case, you can still forgive internally, i.e. let go of yourself, without restoring the relationship.

Allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions. Anger, sadness, disappointment – all of these feelings are valid. Forgiveness is not a mental decision (‘I have now forgiven’), but an emotional process that takes time. Some people find tools such as writing letters (that are never sent), visualisation exercises or eye movement therapy helpful. The key thing is not to put yourself under time pressure. Forgiveness means allowing the process to happen, not forcing it.

The most important points are summarised.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation: you can forgive someone entirely without ever having contact with them again. Forgiveness is an inner process of letting go, and reconciliation shapes interpersonal relationships.

Forgiveness is not a moral obligation: the social and religious demand to forgive can create additional pressure. Forgiveness is a tool for your own healing, not a test of virtue.

Reconciliation is often not advisable in cases of trauma, especially if the perpetrator shows no remorse or has not changed their behaviour. Reconciliation can be traumatising again. Inner forgiveness is the safer path here.

The process of genuine forgiveness takes time and emotion: do not skip the feeling stage. Anger, grief and disappointment must be fully experienced before genuine letting go is possible.

Not forgiving is a valid choice: if you do not want to or cannot forgive, it does not make you a bad person. There are many paths to inner peace; forgiveness is one of them, but not the only one.

Forgiveness serves you, not the offender: The main benefit of forgiveness is reducing your emotional burden; lasting resentment harms your health, not that of the offender.

Genuine remorse is shown through actions: you can recognise insincere apologies by the fact that they shift responsibility, trivialise the offence or emotionally blackmail you. Without a genuine behaviour change, reconciliation is risky.

Frequently asked questions about forgiveness and trauma

Basic terms: What is the difference between retribution, forgetting, forgiveness and reconciliation?

From a psychological perspective, retribution refers to the desire or act to compensate for injustice by punishing or harming the perpetrator. From an ethical point of view, retribution is problematic because it perpetuates the cycle of violence and tends to increase rather than reduce one's own emotional stress. From a therapeutic point of view, impulses for retribution are initially normal protective reactions, but in the long term, they stand in the way of one's own healing.

Forgetting means erasing the memory of what happened. Psychologically, genuine forgetting is neither possible nor desirable in the case of significant injuries; traumas are stored in the memory and cannot be deliberately erased. The demand to "forgive and forget" is ethically problematic because it relieves perpetrators of responsibility and forces victims to deny their experience.

Forgiveness is the inner process of letting go of resentment, feelings of revenge and lasting bitterness. Psychologically, forgiveness serves to relieve one's own emotional burden, not to ease the perpetrator’s. Ethically, forgiveness does not mean condoning the act, but freeing oneself from emotional bondage. Forgiveness is a gift to oneself.

Reconciliation refers to the restoration or reshaping of a relationship between the perpetrator and the victim. Psychologically, reconciliation requires reciprocity, genuine remorse, behavioural change and equality. Ethically, reconciliation is only justifiable if safety is guaranteed and both sides participate voluntarily. Reconciliation is optional; forgiveness can also succeed without it.

Is it possible to forgive and remain traumatised?

Yes, absolutely. Forgiveness does not automatically heal trauma. Traumatic experiences leave neurobiological traces in the nervous system that require specific therapeutic work. A person can have forgiven completely and still suffer from nightmares, hyperarousal or other consequences of trauma. Forgiveness can be part of the healing process, but it does not replace the necessary trauma therapy to regulate the nervous system and process the experience.

When should you not forgive someone?

Pete Walker, a leading trauma therapist, warns strongly against "hasty forgiveness" in cases of complex trauma resulting from childhood abuse. His main arguments are as follows:

Premature forgiveness prevents healthy anger: Survivors of childhood trauma have often learned to suppress their justified anger. Therapeutically, it is essential first to find access to this protective anger before forgiveness becomes possible. Those who forgive too soon skip a necessary step in the healing process.

Pressure to forgive reproduces the perpetrator-victim dynamic: When victims feel pressured to forgive, whether due to religious, social or therapeutic expectations, the powerlessness of the original trauma is repeated. The victim is once again forced to put the needs of others above their own.

Genuine forgiveness requires complete mourning: only when all stages of grief have been gone through, including the anger stage, can authentic forgiveness arise. Before that, it is often just another form of denial.

You should not forgive if:

·         You feel compelled or pressured to do so

·         The anger still serves an important protective function

·         The perpetrator still has access to you and remains dangerous

·         Forgiveness feels like betraying yourself

·         You have not yet fully processed the hurt

What are the four stages of forgiveness?

Forgiveness research describes four essential elements (not linear stages):

A. Expressing the emotion: You must be allowed to feel and express the full range of your feelings, anger, sadness, disappointment, deeply, ideally, towards the perpetrator, alternatively towards a representative, in letters or through therapeutic methods.

B. Understanding why it happened: You need to understand the circumstances of the act, not to excuse it, but to be able to put it into context. This helps you to take the hurt less personally.

C. Restoring security: You need to have a sufficient degree of certainty that the act will not be repeated. This can be achieved by distancing yourself from the perpetrator, strengthening your defences, or developing your personal skills.

4. Letting go: The most challenging step is deciding to stop holding the hurt against the perpetrator, to stop dwelling on it and to stop letting what happened have power over your life today.

Does forgiveness heal trauma?

No, forgiveness alone does not heal trauma. Trauma is an overload of the nervous system that requires specific neurobiological processing. What forgiveness can do:

·         Reduction of emotional stress caused by lasting resentment

·         Reduction of stress hormones and their harmful effects on health

·         More mental space for other aspects of life

·         Ending rumination about what happened

What forgiveness cannot do:

·         Resolution of traumatic physical memories

·         Healing developmental trauma

·         Restoring basic trust

·         Changing dysfunctional relationship patterns

Trauma healing usually requires body-oriented methods, work on the nervous system and long-term therapeutic support. Forgiveness can support this process, but it cannot replace it.

How can you tell if you are traumatised?

Typical signs of trauma include:

·         Recurring distressing memories or nightmares

·         Avoidance of situations that remind you of the trauma

·         Overstimulation of the nervous system (jumpiness, sleep disturbances)

·         Emotional numbness or detachment

·         Negative changes in thinking and mood

·         Altered perception of threat (constant vigilance)

In cases of complex trauma caused by prolonged childhood experiences, the following symptoms may also occur:

·         Difficulties in regulating emotions

·         Negative self-image and feelings of shame

·         Relationship problems and trust issues

·         Dissociative symptoms

What is the basic rule of forgiveness?

The basic psychological rule is: forgiveness serves you, not the perpetrator. Forgiveness is not a moral act that you perform for others, but a tool for your own peace of mind. It follows that:

·         Only forgive if it feels right for you

·         Forgiveness is not a renunciation of justice

·         You are allowed to set boundaries, even if you have forgiven

·         Forgiveness does not mean becoming vulnerable again

·         Your pace determines the process, not external expectations

What is the highest form of forgiveness?

From a psychological perspective, the "highest" form of forgiveness is the one that leads to true inner freedom. This can mean:

Radical acceptance: Fully accepting what has happened without judging or fighting it, while maintaining your own boundaries and values.

Self-forgiveness: Often the most challenging form of forgiveness, forgiving oneself for supposed "mistakes", for "not preventing" the act, for one's own reactions to it. Many trauma survivors carry massive feelings of guilt and shame.

Forgiveness without reciprocity: Being able to forgive someone who has never shown remorse, never apologised, perhaps is no longer even alive, purely for one's own peace of mind.

What is the harmful side of forgiveness?

Forced forgiveness: If you feel compelled to forgive, forgiveness itself becomes an injury. This often happens through:

·         Religious pressure ("You must forgive to be a good Christian")

·         Family pressure ("It's been so long, just let it go")

·         Therapeutic pressure ("You can't heal until you forgive")

Premature forgiveness: As Pete Walker points out, forgiving too soon prevents access to healthy, protective anger and can undermine one's self-esteem.

Forgiveness as justification: When forgiveness is misused to free the perpetrator from consequences or enable further assaults.

Self-denial: When "forgiveness" means suppressing one's own needs, boundaries and feelings to maintain harmony.

Can one forgive but not reconcile?

Yes, and that is often the healthiest way. The four principles of this distinction:

1. Forgiveness is internal, reconciliation is interpersonal: You can have forgiven entirely in your heart without ever speaking to the offender again.

2. Forgiveness requires only you; reconciliation requires both: The perpetrator's cooperation is not necessary for inner forgiveness. For reconciliation, it is.

3. Forgiveness is safe, reconciliation can be dangerous: Especially in cases of violence, abuse or narcissistic exploitation, reconciliation can be retraumatising.

4. Forgiveness liberates, reconciliation binds: Forgiveness frees you from emotional entanglement. Reconciliation creates a new bond that should be entered into only if genuine change has occurred.

How can one truly forgive and let go?

True forgiveness does not come from willpower, but from a process:

1. Fully acknowledge the hurt: Clearly state what happened and how it hurt you. No trivialisation, no relativisation.

2. Feel all the emotions: Give anger, sadness, fear and shame the whole space, often over months or years with therapeutic support.

3. Understand the limits of your control: Accept that you cannot change the past or force the perpetrator to take responsibility.

4. Make a conscious decision: When the time is right, actively decide to let go of the emotional burden, not for the perpetrator, but for yourself.

5. Practise daily: Forgiveness is not a one-time decision, but a daily practice. When resentment returns, gently return to your decision.

What are the seven stages of emotional healing from trauma?

Trauma healing typically progresses through these stages (not linearly):

1. Establishing safety: Ending acute threats, establishing stable living conditions and a therapeutic relationship.

2. Stabilisation: Learning techniques for emotion regulation, grounding, and stress management.

3. Remembering and grieving: Carefully processing traumatic memories in measured doses.

4. Anger and outrage: Accessing healthy, protective anger about the injustice suffered.

5. Mourning loss: Mourning what was lost through the trauma, innocence, trust, and lifetime.

6. Integration: Integrating the experience into one's life story without it defining one's entire identity.

7. Reconnection: Building new, healthy relationships and rediscovering meaning and joy in life.

Forgiveness can play a role in the later stages, but should never be forced.

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