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Limerency: Infatuation that becomes obsession. What is behind the term limerency? Is it true love or pathological obsession?

Limerency: When love becomes obsession

Limerency is a unique form of infatuation that extends beyond typical romantic feelings and evolves into an intense obsession. This fierce form of infatuation can completely dominate the lives of those affected, causing significant problems in all areas of life.

What it's about: how to recognise, understand and overcome limerence – a topic that is relevant to anyone who has ever experienced the destructive power of uncontrollable romantic feelings.

What is limerence, and how does it differ from romantic idealisation in typical infatuation?

Limerence is a psychological state of intense romantic obsession that was first scientifically described by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. In her work "Love and Limerence", Tennov defined this state as an overwhelming and compulsive focus on another person that goes far beyond typical infatuation.

The term limerence differs fundamentally from ordinary love and infatuation. While healthy romantic feelings involve joy, affection and the desire for closeness, limerence is characterised by an overwhelming passion for attention and positive appreciation from the object of limerence. The affected person experiences a special kind of infatuation that is characterised by extreme emotional dependence.

A characteristic feature of limerence is the complete idealisation of the object of limerence. The other person is perceived as perfect and as the sole source of happiness, while negative characteristics are entirely ignored. This idealisation means that the state of limerence persists even when the feelings are not reciprocated or the relationship is clearly unhealthy.

How does limerence differ from true love?

The difference between limerence and true love lies in the quality of the feelings and the impact on the lives of those affected. True love is characterised by mutual respect, the desire for the well-being of the partner and the ability to be happy even without constant reassurance. Limerence, on the other hand, is self-centred and focuses on one's own needs for attention and reassurance.

True love enables personal growth and the development of a healthy, balanced relationship. It is based on a realistic perception of one's partner with all their strengths and weaknesses. Limerence, on the other hand, is based on idealisation and can hinder personal growth, as all energy is directed towards the object of limerence.

Another significant difference lies in sustainability. True love can last for years or even a lifetime, gaining depth in the process. Limerence is typically a temporary phenomenon that burns itself out, often leaving emotional exhaustion and disappointment in its wake.

How love becomes obsession: symptoms and signs of limerence:

According to Tennov, obsessive thoughts occupy between 85 and 100 per cent of waking hours, which illustrates the severity of this condition. Thoughts of the limerence object become compulsive and involuntary, similar to an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The most common behaviours include repeatedly looking at photos of the other person, constantly reading messages and incessantly checking social media. They lead to neglect of professional and social obligations. The perceived behaviour of the object of limerence is continuously analysed and interpreted, often in a way that supports one's own hopes.

The physical symptoms are just as pronounced as the psychological ones. Those affected report palpitations, sweating and a feeling of euphoria when they have positive contact with the object of their limerence. Conversely, rejection or uncertainty leads to extreme sadness and feelings of shame. This emotional rollercoaster is characteristic of the state of limerence and clearly distinguishes it from typical infatuation.

The attachment style: Why does obsessive infatuation develop, and who is particularly at risk?

The development of limerence is a complex process that has both psychological and neurobiological roots.

The attachment experiences of those affected play a decisive role in the development of this intense form of obsession. People with insecure attachment patterns are more likely to develop limerence episodes because they have learned early in life to experience love as unpredictable and threatening.

Attachment style has a significant influence on the perception and formation of romantic relationships. People with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style are particularly susceptible to limerence, as they have a strong desire for attention but at the same time feel a great fear of rejection. This combination creates the perfect conditions for the development of obsessive infatuation.

Uncertainty is another key factor in maintaining limerence. The greater the degree of uncertainty about the reciprocity of feelings, the more intense the limerence reaction becomes. The brain interprets this uncertainty as a challenge and intensifies the obsession rather than reducing it. Once the object of limerence sends clear signals – whether acceptance or rejection – the limerence phase often begins to fade.

What role does uncertainty play in maintaining obsession?

Uncertainty is the primary fuel for maintaining limerence. Paradoxically, uncertainty does not lead to a decrease in feelings but dramatically intensifies them. The human brain is programmed to dwell on unresolved issues, and the question of whether feelings are reciprocated becomes an obsessive preoccupation.

Mixed signals are particularly problematic because they fuel hope while maintaining uncertainty. A friendly smile, a casual touch, or an ambiguous message can be enough to intensify limerence for weeks or months. The brain interprets these signals as evidence that reciprocated feelings are possible, even though reality often differs.

The solution often lies in creating clarity. If the other person clearly reciprocates or rejects the feelings, the limerence subsides. This explains why many sufferers shy away from seeking a direct answer – subconsciously, they know that uncertainty perpetuates their intense emotions.

How long does an episode of limerence last, and what factors influence its duration?

According to Tennov, a limerence episode typically lasts between 18 months and 3 years, with the intensity and duration depending heavily on various factors. The availability of the limerence object plays a decisive role. If the other person is completely unattainable or the feelings are clearly not reciprocated, limerence can fade more quickly than when signals are ambivalent.

The frequency of contact with the object of limerence also influences the duration of the episode. Regular contact, even without romantic development, can maintain limerence for years. Situations in which sporadic positive signals are sent are particularly problematic, as these activate the brain's reward system and fuel the hope of a possible reciprocation of feelings.

The personality and circumstances of those affected also play an essential role. People who already suffer from other psychological stresses or have few other social contacts remain trapped in limerence for longer. In the best-case scenario, other social contacts allow the person to detach from their fixation on the object of their limerence and develop healthier relationship patterns.

Is limerence a mental disorder or illness?

The classification of limerence as an illness or mental disorder is controversial. Limerence is not listed as a separate diagnosis in the current classification systems for mental illnesses. Still, it can be considered a mental illness if it leads to significant functional impairment.

Many experts see limerence as a form of relationship disorder that requires treatment when it causes impairment in daily life. The intensity of the symptoms and the psychological distress can be so severe that professional help is necessary. In severe cases, limerence can lead to depression, anxiety disorders, or even stalking behaviour.

It is essential to distinguish limerence from other mental disorders to provide the proper treatment. While obsessive-compulsive disorder can affect various areas of life, limerence focuses exclusively on the object of limerence. In contrast to delusional disorder, limerence usually retains a certain sense of reality, even if perception is severely distorted.

Limerency as a possible symptom of ADHD: the connection between attention deficit disorder and obsessive infatuation

Research shows an interesting connection between ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and the tendency to develop limerence. People with ADHD often have a dysregulated dopamine system, which makes them more prone to intense, obsessive behaviours (hyperfocus) – including romantic obsession. The reward system in the ADHD brain responds particularly strongly to new and exciting stimuli, which makes the object of limerence a particularly potent "drug".

The inability to control impulses, a core feature of ADHD, further exacerbates the problem. Those affected find it even more challenging to resist the urge to constantly think about the other person, check their social media activity, or make contact. The typical ADHD trait of "hyperfocus" can be directed entirely at the limerence object, leading to an even more intense obsession than in neurotypical people.

The emotional dysregulation often associated with ADHD makes the extreme highs and lows of limerence even more dramatic. The ADHD-related sensitivity to rejection further exacerbates the already intense feelings. This explains why people with ADHD are more frequently and intensely affected by limerence and why they often experience longer episodes.

What parallels exist between limerence and addiction?

Limerence shows striking parallels to addiction, both in neurobiological processes and behavioural patterns. The object of limerence becomes the sole source of happiness, similar to a substance in addiction. The brain's reward system responds to signals from the object of limerence by releasing dopamine, which leads to a craving for repeated contact with that object.

The withdrawal symptoms when contact is lacking are similar to those of drug addicts: intense longing, physical discomfort and the inability to think about anything else. As with an addiction, tolerance develops – those affected need increasingly intense or frequent contact to achieve the same emotional satisfaction. The craving for the limerence object becomes so overwhelming that all other areas of life are neglected.

The parallels to obsessive-compulsive disorder are also remarkable. Rituals related to the limerence object develop, such as checking their online activities daily or driving past places where they might be. These compulsive and obsessive behaviours reinforce the obsession and create a vicious circle that is difficult to break.

When does limerence become dangerous stalking behaviour?

Stalking due to limerence is a serious risk that arises when the person affected can no longer control their impulses. The transition from intense feelings to intrusive behaviour is often fluid and can be dangerous for both parties. If these symptoms cause severe distress and interfere with the other person's life, this already constitutes a form of stalking.

Warning signs of problematic behaviour include secret observation, collecting personal information, unwanted gifts or messages, and ignoring clear boundaries. If the object of limerence signals clear rejection but those affected do not change their behaviour, professional help is urgently needed. The inability to accept "no" for an answer is a clear warning sign.

The legal consequences of stalking behaviour are serious and can cause lasting damage to the lives of everyone involved. It is therefore essential to recognise early signs of problematic behaviour and seek professional support before the situation escalates.

The neuroscience of limerence: findings from current research

Current neuroscientific research, as described by neuroscientist Tom Bellamy, shows that limerence causes fundamental changes in brain chemistry. The brain's reward system, which typically releases dopamine during positive experiences, becomes permanently overactive during limerence. This happens especially when the romantic "reward" becomes unpredictable – mixed signals reinforce the addiction rather than reducing it.

Bellamy's research shows that limerence targets people who are "unreliable, unsuitable or unattainable". The key factor here is uncertainty: if a healthy attachment were possible, limerence would not normally develop into the "addiction" stage. But obstacles, uncertainty or mixed signals drive the reward system into an addiction-like state in which craving escalates instead of subsiding.

How can limerence be overcome?

Limerence is often treated using behavioural therapy approaches, in particular stimulus and response control. This method is based on the understanding that specific triggers (stimuli) elicit automatic responses that reinforce limerence. By consciously controlling these responses, the vicious circle can be broken.

The first step is to identify the specific triggers – such as browsing social media, driving past certain places or listening to certain music. Once these stimuli have been identified, systematic behavioural training can begin, in which healthier responses to these triggers are developed. Instead of automatically reaching for their mobile phone, those affected could learn to do a breathing exercise or engage in another calming activity.

Exposure with response prevention is a particularly effective technique. This involves exposing those affected to the triggers in a controlled manner without carrying out the usual response. The feared stimulus gradually loses its power over behaviour. However, this method requires a great deal of discipline and can often only be successfully implemented with professional support.

Bellamy's "Daymare" treatment strategy is exciting: instead of cultivating positive daydreams about the object of limerence, those affected should consciously visualise negative scenarios. For example, suppose you dream of driving off into the sunset with the other person. In that case, you should transform the scenario – they could suddenly shout, "Stop the car! You're making a terrible mistake!" and run away, leaving you feeling foolish and ridiculous. This technique reprograms the neural reward pathways, breaking the obsession.

Important points:

• Limerence is more than infatuation – it is an intense, often destructive form of romantic obsession that can completely dominate your life.

• Uncertainty intensifies limerence – mixed signals and unclear situations lead to more intense obsession, not less.

• Duration is limited – limerence typically lasts between 18 months and 3 years, but can be prolonged by certain factors.

• Parallels to addiction – the brain reacts to the object of limerence in a similar way to drugs, with craving, tolerance and withdrawal symptoms.

• Treatment is possible – limerence can be overcome through stimulus and response control, behavioural therapy and professional support.

• Be aware of the risk of stalking – if boundaries are ignored and abusive behaviour develops, immediate professional help is required.

• Limerence and ADHD are linked – people with ADHD are particularly prone to obsessive infatuation due to their dysregulated dopamine system and impulse control problems.

• Neuroscience explains the mechanisms – unpredictable romantic "rewards" reinforce the addiction, while certainty (positive or negative) contributes to healing.

• "Daymare" technique as treatment – Consciously transforming positive daydreams into negative scenarios can help reprogram neural reward pathways.

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